"ty"-age angst? hmmm.. -_-;;;

well here's keeping with me weekly quota of one entry per week... hahz... but well.. since i've got a half day todae n haf some time on my hands... i figured i'd juz note down me thoughts for the week...

well as some of u may alreadi noe... dis week was one filled with agony n anger for me.... given the fact dat me weekend got totally burnt to a crisp coz of the silly Singapore Biathlon thingie... n dat me 2 days off realli bored the life out of me... n dat i waz on the brink of falling ill... n dat after the off me superior got realli pissed n decided to bring the smackdown on me batch... n dat me saturday evening (which is tmr) will be eaten up again by some stoopid event in camp dat doesn't even make sense at all... which naturally means i can't make it to church yet again...

i noe i haf every reason to get pissed off with everyone n everything... which unfortunately happened to me during the week... waz realli too easily irritable... but i guess datz wat happened to most ppl in camp who were involved with the silly biathlon thingie.... everyone was extremely tired n veri veri irritable... looking baq i realised how much i've changed... i guess i've become more rigid... more unable to except the circumstances in life as they are without complaint or any sense of anger welling up inside.... i guess datz wat they call teenage angst... but guess wat? i'm nearing the end of me teenage years... my age will soon end with a "-ty" instead of a "-teen"... so y am i still so caught up with dis kind of anger?

i'm guessing itz the environment i'm in now datz nurturing such negative emotions.. all dis rubbish abt nt being able to bear with ur pains being considered weak.. n how we shld be "fired up" or extremely enthused everything we need to get things done... well i guess datz the culture i'm in now in camp.... n i guess i disagree with dis kinds of mentalities n such festering thoughts of disagreement haf turned into a subtle change frm docile to full of angst....

haiz... well... i guess i haf a lot of work to do on my personality... i've changed n am unable to return to who i waz b4... but i guess i'll be able to find a compromise between these 2 personalities... i guess something docile but at the same time being able to haf the same kind of enthusiasm n confidence.... i dunno... i guess dat awaits to be discovered...

well i guess datz abt it for me entry... til the nxt entry.. ciaoz~ ^^

PS: star shine shine ends tonite.... my 9pm's will be so empty again.... T_T someone quick console me... hahz...

well... nth much to write abt dis week.... juz one single thought to put down in the records... i guess it juz pertains to the previous entry... well juz some of my afterthoughts of the matter....

well i told me parents abt the matter of me fren passing on... nt coz i wanted to tell them but well... the flow of the conversation juz demanded for it... n i tink me dad brought up a thought dat sortof slightly makes the way i tink clearer... well clearer as in in a way dat i noe how to express the way i tink....

well me dad was commenting on how when facing dis kind of situations we usually tend to ask abt the fairness of life or the reason behind y such things happen... n then he commented on how we shld juz stop asking y.... n i do agree.... ever since i've gotten into NS i've learnt how to stop asking y.... because many things dat i do in camp juz dun make any sense at all in every sense of the word....

so the mere fact dat we're human would suggest dat we'll need to fill dat void in understanding of the circumstances being creatures of curiosity.... well for me... i haf learnt nt to ask y.... but to ask "wat nxt?".. life is a constant flow of events.. as the wisemen frm the past haf always stated "time n tide wait for no man"... neither do they wait in the event of a loss of a man.... as creatures with knowledge of the future... most naturally we haf an innate ability called hoping... hoping for the nxt event in life be they good or bad... well in the negative case itz called dread.... but we as humans or even as living beings haf the natural anticipation for the future... itz juz dat we downplay n cloud such an emotion with other emotions dat pertain to our current circumstances in life....

well as a sidenote (n a major digression) i've started listening to Do as Infinity again.... the best jap band eva!! haha... their music is one of the rare few dat i still listen to n enjoy after all these years.... still can't bring myself to believe dat they've disbanded.... it juz feels so surreal.. haha... well.. maybe nt dat bad... but yeah... they're doing so well together but i guess they juz need to pursue their different paths of personal development... ah well... i guess i shan't ask y anymore.... so wat's nxt? van's coming out with a solo album... ryo's with some other band... looks weird but yeah... shld be gd stuff... i dunno.. hahz... but well.. do feel the nostalgia whenever i listen to their songs... haiz... well... there's no eternal banquet under heaven... datz so true...

well nth much else to say... so til the nxt entry.. ciaoz.. ^^

my burdensome neighbour

sighz... tis sad to notice dat i haven't been enjoying my weekends lately.... dunno y... could be tiredness... could juz be the lack of meaning or purpose in all things... i realli dunno.. but such lousy weekends r starting to get irritating... well someone mentioned dat i need a girlfriend... but nah... i guess dat'll onli provide a temporal sense of well-being n happiness.... as with most things dat i've come across n knowing my personality... many interests come n go for me rather quickly... so i realli dunno... unless there's some form of dynamism in the relationship dat can go along with me constant state of change...

but well... my objective isn't to write abt my current state of affairs... well.. perhaps juz a little... sometimes i juz do wish i could develop a more light-hearted but still interesting style of writing... but being who i am n due to the circumstances i face incessantly i guess my style has been sortof shaped n defined by these.... but then again... i dun intend to write on dis matter as well....

well again dis entry may be kinda depressing in a way coz of the mere nature of the subject matter... yesh... once again i'm gonna write abt the stark reality called death....

so wat triggered off such thoughts? am i suicidal/tired of living? nah... far frm it... instead itz due to the fact dat i've had another nasty knock on me door again.. well... itz nt dat i had a near-death experience kinda thing... juz dat remember dat fren, or rather acquaintance, i mentioned in me earlier entry where he waz in ICU? well... poor guy passed away.... well he isn't ard my age... maybe early middle age? but still.... the sting of death transcends age...

to me death is like my celebrity nxt-door neighbour... every once in awhile he'll juz drop by me place n say hi... then off he'll go abt his business... all too often u see him on the papers.. sometimes on the headlines.... sometimes in small sections... sometimes he's scrawled all over the entire newspaper... full of his infamous, albeit morbid, deeds.... i'll hardly see him at home coz of his busy lifestyle... sometimes i wonder where he gets his rest... but when he does pass by he juz pops by me place to remind me of his burdensome existence...

to me he's an unwanted neighbour... i dun like him at all despite his hospitality... but i doubt he has any plans to move out anytime soon.... veri frankly speaking i'm tired... burdened by death... maybe i'm juz being too sensitive... which shldn't be the case... but in any case... i'm tired of seeing the loss of ppl ard me whom i know personally.... i wish to celebrate life... but the knowledge of death merely acts as a incessant thorn... an ever-present stumbling block...

but ironically w/o the knowledge of death.. there would be no cause for the celebration of life... such carousel-like logic can realli be a pain in the ass... wherein can we find the balance? to celebrate life to itz fullest without being contaminated with the sting of death.... i guess datz another mystery dat would nv be fully unveiled....

well i guess i wun dwell on such a topic any longer... itz realli burdensome... indeed in much wisdom is much grief as it is so in knowledge as well... for now i wun wanna be near death in anyway... i'm juz tired of itz constant hounding... well i'll tink of something better to write abt in me nxt entry.. ciaoz..

well i ran out of titles... so i dun tink i'll be putting titles in me entries in future unless i realli do haf some inspiration for one.. hahz... well anyway i shld stick to me quota of one entry per week.... well at least on me own blog.. so here it is.... i guess i'll make it a short entry.. hahz... but i tink it'll be quite meaningful..

well i've been tinking a little lately abt Man's constant pursuit for knowledge n ,at a deeper level, wisdom... especially since i've been reading a little on philosophy as well as a book in the Bible written by the wisest man of all time.. King Solomon.... well whether datz true is up to u to discern for urself...

well anyway wat there to discuss abt dis pursuit for higher planes of intelligence n understanding? well while in pursuit there's always an objective or a final goal to be met... some call it nirvana... some call it enlightenment... i'll juz generally label it intellectual perfection... well may nt be as apt a name... but datz the best i can tink of... given my deteriorated state of linguistical abillity... hahz...

while reading up on philosophy... i stumbled across a certain philosopher Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche... some German guy who wrote realli strongly against Christianity as an institution saying dat itz the cause of the entropy of society n blah blah blah... but datz nt impt... wat he waz seeking waz for a perfect representation of wat truths realli are in themselves... the knowledge of wat things realli r instead of values or appearances dat haf been imputed by Man in general... but as i read on abt his life... toward the end he ended up insane.. nt being able to haf a firm grasp on his mental faculties....

n now onto the book of Ecclesiastes dat i've been reading up on dis week... king soloman has mentioned the pursuit for wisdom n i quote frm chap1 verse18 "For in much wisdom is much grief, And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." strangely enuff... as opposed to the widely accepted belief dat with wisdom/enlightenment/knowledge comes happiness n a sense of well-being in itz totality, such wisdom/knowledge in fact brings juz the opposite...

well... perhaps we could infer dat Nietzsche was closing in on the perfection of wisdom n perhaps he lost his mind to grief n sorrow..

so wat am i trying to say here? well i believe wat we realli need as human beings is nt to seek the perfection of wisdom n knowledge as taught by philosophy... but instead we shld seek wisdom simply for the sake of increasing it for ourselves... the further nitty-gritties of the reality of truth need nt be investigated merely bcoz itz nt necessary at all... n as we saw it could place a great burden on the mind dat we can't bear.... even king solomon acknowledged dis remarking dat such a pursuit is indeed in vain... therefore he wisely simplified our pursuit in life to juz dis... "Fear God and keep His commandments, For this is man’s all. For God will bring every work into judgment, Including every secret thing, Whether good or evil."

i dunno if u would subscribe to such an idea of involving a God in ur life's pursuit... but i'm juz sharing wat i believe is best n i dun intend to impose any of my beliefs on anyone...

well i guess i'll leave it as dat.. hahz... dun wanna tink too much... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz... ^^

the zone of drone....

hmm... juz came up with dat... dunno how.. haha.. but yeah... kinda describes how i'm feeling nw.... hahz....

well i'm in the awkward state of sianess/lethargy/sleepiness/apathy again.... itz nt a realli nice feeling to be in... nth much happening dat interests me... nth much dat i wanna do...

well i guess i can take a few pointers frm me parents... perhaps itz juz there's nth much to look forward to for the moment.... or maybe i'm juz tired.... or maybe i juz need to go out but there's no one to go out with... well i did go out quite a bit... but dunno y... something's missing.... maybe i'm juz missing some challenge in life... nt so much something physically challenging but instead something more mentally involving...

waz at ypg todae... pastor mitch waz offering us the option of spiritual training... maybe datz wat i need.... something to work on n fulfilling to boot... n i realli do feel dat i need to make a better use for my time... perhaps datz y dis blog is baq up n nt left on blogger to rot away.... yeah... itz time for some cranial resuscitation... well will work on it... perhaps i'll take up the offer of spiritual training.... Study! Struggle! Succeed! hmm.... welll i guess i'll leave more thought for the nxt entry.... ciaoz....

life... as most know it...

well... here's keeping to me schedule of one entry per week.. waz kinda hard to come up with something to tink abt dis week.... partly coz i waz realli quite bz during the week n didn't realli had the time to read.... n oso partly there wasn't much to tink abt while working during the day.... but yeah... managed to tink up of something.... n i guess itz something i haf mentioned b4 in the past but i will mention again... particularly life as most know it.. haha...

well... juz had to tink of stuff like dat todae due to a certain turn of events.... had some boring hockey competition todae... so had to go to bedok camp kinda early for the competition of which i played onli 1-2 minutes for the entire tournament.... a waste of time but at least out of camp.. haha.. well niway waz gg abt my business of slacking off... so made a trip down to the canteen at bedok camp... managed to meet up with a lot of old frenz frm sec sch along the way..

great to find dat we're still able to talk to each other even after these 3 or more yrs... instead of juz a "hi-bye" kinda thingie... realli great to be able to catch up with frenz dat i haven't met for so long... 3 yrs may sound like nth much... but it does a lot to anyone.... esp when we all go our seperate routes in life... realli glad to haf an opportunity to haf such a time of escapism frm the realities of army life to become who we realli wanna be.. real ppl... tho it be a short time...

well niway during the tournament me team mate waz sortof banged up real bad during the course of the tournament... kena hit in the kneeuntil got a cut.... then later kena bang in the head n kena another cut there.... realli crazy.. he's like some stick magnet getting hit by the stick everywhere so many times... but one thing i noticed waz how didn't harp on and on abt how he got walloped n juz continued with wateva he wanted to do....

i guess life's like dat... there r times where we get banged up real bad.... be it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.... n it may nt even be our fault but they may be due to the circumstances ard us dat occur out of our own control... but i guess we'll juz haf to bear with it n juz continue with life... or to put it simply, using the army term, suck thumb n continue walking....

after the silly tournament went down to the hospital to see a fren... well... dun realli know him realli well... but he's realli a veri nice guy... but well... poor guy got into a realli bad accident n landed up in ICU... well... felt all over again the fragility of life... saw him juz on wed n he waz juz fine.... n juz bcoz of an accident his whole life is nw handicapped... itz realli sian to tink how in many cases juz a few minutes of folly juz ruins the rest of ur life... juz makes me realli wanna learn how to realli tink b4 i act...

but well... i guess my stand is still to be cautious.... but nt to the point of paranoia or in a way dat it affects how i live my life.... coz i choose nt to trust in my own abilities to stay out of harm's way..... but instead i choose to let a supreme being take charge of doing juz dat for my life... well i guess most who follow me entries know wat i mean.... coz i noe wat i can do is onli limited.... but i guess i'll juz do wateva i can n leave the rest for another to take charge...

juz tot i'd like to juz immortalise a part of some lyrics frm a mayday song.. haha... *cough-cheena-cough*... but i realli find it veri meaningful n i guess it'll be sortof like a motto in my life.. haha... cool huh... well here it is -- 再看天地辽阔 活着不多不少 幸福刚好够用...

well aniway these r my thoughts for the week.... well.. for the day at least... hahz... will post up more thoughts when they surface in my mind.... but for nw... i'll juz haf to wait for dat moment to come... haha... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz.. ^^

word power...

heyaz... juz wanted to put in another post.. waz juz tinking a lot on the aforementioned topic n juz wanted to log down me thoughts on it.... well itz gonna be a short entry i guess but still feels kinda relevant to me...

well been thinking abt how ppl haf all their diff talents... some in running.... some in drawing... some in leading... some in music.... well the list juz goes on n i waz tinking dat itz great dat they're able to haf some talent in their lives dat they can work on.... then i waz juz tinking abt my own talents... well i can't draw... i can't run, datz a proven fact.. haha.. n musically-wise i guess i'm juz average... leadership... well... datz juz nt meant for me at all... i'm a follower n am content to be dat way... thoughts on dat i'll juz leave to another entry in future if the issue so arises.... well anyway i waz tinking dat i didn't realli excel in anything at all...

well i dunno y but i realli do in a way envy those who can draw... coz they can express themselves more fully than us primary school level doodlers.... n i realli wanna find a medium thru which i can express myself more fully as well... n i guessed the nxt best alternative would be writing...

they say a picture speaks a thousand words.... but dat would be too long winded for me... i believe dat a person who's able to write well is someone who nt onli can paint a picture... but change the society or even the world... all these in less than a thousand words... thru reading a few small books recently i dunno y but i feel inspired to realli master the art of expression thru writing... i tink words can touch the soul deeper than pictures do.... n datz exactly where i wanna get at... nt juz superficial appreciation... but an appreciation datz realli heartfelt...

well of course the beginnings of gd writings muz be powered by the thoughts n ideas behind them... n i do believe dat i'm merely in the initial stages of expressing me thoughts thru writing even with so many years of education... datz y i haf made a request on me tagboard for ppl to recommend books to me... well i guess any gd book will do.. but the books i realli like to read r those dat r realli close to the heart... books like "the five people u'll meet in heaven"... n books like dat (can't give any more examples coz i dun realli read a lot of books.. hahz.. :P) but yeah... great writings need to be powered by great ideas n thoughts... n for dat i need to read more...

well... i guess i need to brush up a lot on me skill of writing... if anyone has a webbie or book on how to improve writing skills pls let me know... i'll realli like to haf a read on it... hehz.... well anyway here's me supposedly short entry.... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz... ^^

baq again....

heyaz ppl.... haven't updated for such a long time... guess i had a major cranial meltdown for most of the time in between dis entry n the last... but yes... me brain's more or less baq to normal functionality n i guess nowadays i do haf more time to think abt stuff.... given dat i dun haf much to do after dinner everyday... n the mess is too far away for me to drag me lazy butt juz to catch a show... but i do go once in quite awhile.... well anyway since i do haf more time n more things dat i do tink abt... i would try me best to update as regularly as i can... well i'm hoping i can get the habit of recording down me thoughts during the week... then i can juz pick a few n juz comment on them... but yeah... as i've juz started... pls do bear with the irregularities... shld be updating abt at least once a week...

maybe i'll juz start with a thought timeline for the week... see how things go a long the way... well dunno y but i did start off the week quite badly.. felt tired... felt mentally n emotionally worn out... dunno y.. maybe juz nt resting enuff... maybe juz me body's last bursts of biological changes..... i dunno... but yeah.. waz juz then dat i flipped thru me Bible in camp again... seeing dat i realli had nth to do n nth to lose as well... n well i realli didn't lose out on anything but instead i did gain a renewed sense of appreciation for God's love for us all over again... well here r the few verses dat realli spoke to me heart... frm the book of Romans chap. 5 "6 For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." well i wasn't feeling down coz i felt guilty abt any sin or anything like dat... but juz knowing the nobility of a deity sacrificing His life n effort for us is reason enuff to be touched real deep in the heart....

well i guess i shan't continue with the timeline... coz it'll take a whole lot of space juz putting in all me thoughts in juz 1 entry... i'll juz take a few thoughts dat i can realli make comments on... n actually do tickle ur brain cells at least a little... therefore i shall omit me selfish thoughts of urs truly...

so i guess i shall touch on the matter on fear... yesh... the most primal of feelings dat touches us deep down in the abyss of our hearts.... n most ppl do thrive on fear... a veri silly way to live but at the same time a stark reality in most ppl's lives.... well it waz an interesting observation i made as i listened in on a conversation among some of me buddies in camp... well.. as an example... someone waz commenting on his reasons for believing in Christianity.. one of them being dat when he heard abt the fact dat non-believers go to hell... he did an investigation into Christianity n believed in the faith... with the thought dat he would believe juz in case this waz realli the case n he realli went to hell... another example would be dat he tried to live his life as sinlessly as he could so dat he will nt receive any punishment frm God for his sins....

i'm juz puzzled as to y fear would become the driving force behind a person's faith in Christ when wat Christianity preaches is living in a spirit of power, love n soundness of mind, void of fear.... itz realli quite a startling irony.... n something i'm quite troubled abt... i do agree dat fear does spark off belief... but at the same time it kills the growth of faith in a person if the focus isn't shifted frm fear to spiritual salvation thru grace..... fear kills growth coz ppl will usually worry abt the issues dat give rise to such fears n then forget the whole point of wat Christianity is abt -- the deliverance frm these exact same fears... itz realli troubling n at the same time mind-boggling y ppl love to dwell in such irony....

well i guess i'll juz leave the entry with juz these 2 thoughts.... coz itz quite a long read n oso i dunno whether me other thoughts r quite relevant.... maybe i'll juz add them in another more appropriate entry in future.... so til the nxt entry... haf fun.. take care n God bless... ^^