reflections frm 2004 n b4..

hey ppl.. so sorry i haven't been updating.... haf been kinda bz the whole of this month.... but today... being the last day of the yr... i tink it befitting to create an entry of the yr.. both as a record n as a medium for reflection n contemplation...

i dun tink i'll be blogging so much on wat i've done dis yr.... or wat i like or dislike abt dis yr... i guess i'll like to tink abt other intangibles like state of faith.... mentality... testing n adaptation of beliefs.... stuff like dat...

well... dis yr has been a rather interesting yr for me.... looking baq at j1... i made quite a few "fatal" mistakes concerning my faith n my mentality... in the case of faith... i guess i put my faith aside for the things dat my world has to offer or challenge me with... frenz.. activities... adaptation to new environments... i sought to live by my own strength n ability... b4 jc i guess my faith was all in theory coz my frenz weren't so happening last time.. the environment waz great.... activity-wise everything waz done in sch... so nth much else outside of sch except the occasional LAN gaming sessions.... i guess jc waz a test of where i realli stood in my faith... i wun say it waz the biggest test of my faith of all time... but i know i failed miserably...

but some time earlier dis yr... i guess when everything more or less settled down.. i looked baq n thought "y the heck did i do dat?" ok fine.... the frenz were great... the activities were fun... but as all earthly things are... they juz come n go... n i traded my faith for those? i was tinking "y was i so shallow to settle for such things... i shld be looking for things more eternal... more lasting..." so started my attempt to get right with God all over again... well.. i got re-affirmed dis yr n sad to say.. for me it waz onli a momentary spiritual high.... i waz baq to my same old self when the cares of the world came straight baq at me... doing quiet time waz a veri wonky affair.. sometimes doing it... most of the time rushing to get to sch in the morning... n the many activities held earlier dis yr didn't realli help either... i waz more preoccupied with those activities than with developing my consciousness of God thru my days.... but thankfully i guess i was able to somewhat get baq to the Lord towards the end of the yr... n i thank God for His grace n also staying faithful to me when i was faithless... as the words of the song go.... "my Lord n God... u r so rich in mercy.. mere words alone r insufficient thanks..." dat realli describes my gratitude n feeling of indebtedness to the Lord...

was staying over at adrian's place the other nite n we were noticing dat most of us haf changed.... n itz true... most of us haf changed... looking baq frm now... i feel dat my mentality has changed so much even frm last yr... for one.. i guess i'm more open-minded abt this now... last time i used to expect ppl to conform to my expectations of them... like when someone does something wrong or something kinda silly.. i'll be kinda disgruntled at the person's actions n tink abt wat he should be doing n blah blah blah... but i guess now.. when ppl talk to me n tell me abt stuff they realli wanna do but i guess isn't dat gd an idea to me... i'll juz accept it as it is n accept the person for who he is... coz i figured there's no point ascribing to ppl wat u want them to be when they can't be themselves after dat... itz juz not right.... well i guess i haf pastor mark to thank for showing dat to me... the other time i waz sharing with him how i waz miserably weak in my faith n how i waz struggling to get baq... which almost felt like a futile attempt... n he didn't say stuff like "y did u even tink of putting aside ur faith in the first place??" instead he encouraged me to persevere in struggling... n offered his help as well... i tink dat realli speaks to my heart even now..

while we're on the subject of change... i guess my perception n my regard for females has changed thru dis yr as well.. itz a small thing to note... but it is a change in mentality in itself... being in a monastery for 4 yrs prior to jc doesn't help matters at all.. especially when the monastery is rampant with "depraved monks"... haha.. well... my regard for females b4 was... to say the least... despicable... itz embarrassing n somewhat disgusting juz tinking abt it now.... hehe.. but i guess at present.. i regard females as ppl... as equals... somehow i see no need to divide ourselves by gender whenever there's a gathering of some sort... if itz abt dat silly superiority or inferiority thing.. i'll say "screw dat"... itz total bullshit... each gender was made to serve a different purpose... itz juz not right to compare who is greater because itz juz dat we were made to serve different purposes... itz like asking "which is more superior? the washing machine or the tow truck?" there's no point of comparison at all.... ok... well i'll juz leave it as dat as further discussion would probably spark off an uprising as it gets more convoluted n datz not my purpose...

well.. i guess datz enuff for looking baq at the past... it waz a rather interesting yr as i haf said b4 n i guess i haf learnt much... but there's much more to learn in the years to come n itz as exciting as it is scary... hehe... but well... as the new yr looms ahead for those of us who r gg for NS n for those who haf to get a job for the nxt 6 months or so b4 gg for uni... i guess itz gd to set new goals for ourselves for the coming yr as to wat we wanna do with ourselves n with our time for the nxt yr... today's reading in the daily bread is indeed a veri gd one as we end the yr n anticipate the nxt yr.... i suggest reading starting frm verse 12 instead of verse 15 coz i tink it'll be more meaningful dat way... well... here's wishing everyone a happy new yr n may the new yr be one of cultivation n growth of mentality n spiritually... ^^ so til the nxt yr... ciaoz~... ^^