Lamer's Corner ~ can't stand it...

back! on a different track....

2006-11-15T20:38:00.000+08:00

yo ppl.... guess itz gdbye to dis silly hiatus thingie.... come to tink of it i tink i was juz lazy... haha.. :P would haf developed in somewhat the same way even w/o having such a thing as a hiatus.... maybe juz dat i reflect less.... well anyway i haf a lot of thoughts to write out but i guess i'll juz reflect on them one at a time first.... can't rush thru without some warm up after nt writing for so long yah? hahz...

"If I could take over this world that we're in,
I wanna reach out to every human being.

I'd take all the sorrows from every goodbye,
I'll shed all the tears so no one ever needs to cry.

But nobody cares for me
Nobody here needs me
A love to share but no nobody dares
Nobody cares for me

I'll summon the oceans to drown every pain
I wanna be shelter to the countless in shame.

Erase every conflict from every divide
I wanna give every bit of me unti i die singin'

But nobody cares for me
Nobody here needs me
A love to share but no nobody dares
Nobody cares for me."

--"A Love to Share" by Rivermaya

been paying more attention to song lyrics recently... well at least the slower songs coz either i can't keep up with the lyics in faster songs or the singer's diction is juz so horrible.. haha... but anyway... itz been interesting to find meaningful lyrics in unexpected places... well dis song isn't one of them but i did feel some sort of connection with dis song... initially at least.... it was until i thought thru the lyrics more rationally dat i tink dis song's chorus juz contradicts itself...

at first i realli understood wat the lyricist was saying... when u're juz trying to be gd to everyone but everyone doesn't give a damn... in fact i do feel like dat at times... but upon further thought... i tink itz quite contradictory to tink like dat.... well to me, if u realli love someone or something, u would juz simply pour out ur love to him/her/it n nt expect any in return... true love, to me, is unconditional n may veri well be one-sided in some cases... but in the case of dis song, the lyrics give a sense of "i do love everyone, but y doesn't anyone even care abt me?" well if it were merely a care for others then it would be understandable, but to "love" would mean a much higher level of regard in terms of consideration for others...

perhaps we all use the word "love" too loosely in our everyday conversation... love has lost itz grandeur, itz significance n perhaps even itz sacredness (nv knew it was a proper word til i checked it out.. haha..) i guess itz time to retink our regard for dis word... to return it to the same reverrence we had when we scolded our first vulgarity n felt like u've juz done the worst thing in the entire world to the person u scolded.... well... take dat feeling to the other extreme n revere the word "love" as the best compliment u can give anyone or anything n shld nt be used lightly....

so wat then is love? well given my religious background, naturally i draw my benchmark frm the bible... there's a verse dat says "greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." so personally my benchmark would be "would i be ready to sacrifice myself for another person?" if i can truly believe dat i would do juz dat when it comes down to the crunch... onli then can i say i love dat person...

well i guess i'll keep it as dat... dun wanna write too much coz it'll be too wordy to read again.. haha... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz~... ^^

itz time for a break

2006-06-27T20:16:00.000+08:00

well.. u've heard of writers' block... or wateva else datz somewat related to dat... in my case i guess i'll be gg on some sort of hiatus.... well.. i'm nt being lazy... juz dat i guess i need to rearrange priorities... get my head n life straight... n i guess as most great writers do... experience more of life n find the constant new sources of inspiration for process of thought n maturity....

well.. i do nt claim to be a great writer.... in fact i tink i'm otherwise... haha... but well... my point is dat if great writers need breaks... wat more i? i tink i need to grow more, experience more, recharge more n juz simply mature more in thought to be able to write something more substantial on dis blog.... everyone needs to change at some point or the other.... i'm no exception... nt dat i'm someone to be an exception in the first place... but well.. datz juz how it is....

so well... no parting words or watsoever.... juz til the nxt entry... ciaoz....

the draw of melancholy...

2006-06-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

juz been tinking quite a bit lately... most prob bcoz i've juz finished reading "tuesdays with morrie" some time dis week... itz a realli short book... i finished it in 2 sittings... but still it presents the real barebone issues dat we haf to deal with in life in a veri simple but nonetheless profound way... little catch phrases like "when u learn to die, u learn to live." or "love wins. love always wins." to name a couple... in a way itz stuff dat we alreadi noe... but itz in the beauty of the perspective frm which the author puts it dat realli draws me in...

datz the issue dat i haf tinking abt lately... y do i haf dat strange draw towards melancholy? it is when i truly feel melancholic deep down dat i realli appreciate something... be it a book... or a deed... n i'm drawn to dat kind of feeling.... n to me itz kinda strange... if nt a little disturbing... perhaps itz bcoz it makes me feel human.. or simply it juz makes me feel... but y i find it disturbing is bcoz i tink many other ppl r more drawn towards other kinds of emotions like euphoria... which i tink is more healthy n better for the soul than being constantly filled with melancholy....

perhaps there's a small part of us dat it drawn toward melancholic emotions... the onli diff is dat itz more pronounced in some than in others... n some others may even haf yet to realise such an attraction to such an emotion.... unfortunately, or perhaps otherwise, i guess i do haf an exaggerated attraction to melancholy... well personally i dun tink itz a healthy emotion coz tho it makes me feel... but at the same time it wat makes me look worn out n listless to other ppl... n ironically in time, i wun be able to feel any other emotion....

well... of course i can't quell this draw towards melancholy... itz juz like trying to ask a veteran hobbyist to give up his hobby... but at the same time i guess i shld experience other emotions to the fullest... i could try happiness, but for me it doesn't realli last long enuff for melancholy to get baq at me...or perhaps i could try camaraderie, but it juz wun work out without frenz ard... but of course... "all this is hypothetical" to quote yh.... i wouldn't noe whether they'll work out if i juz dun try... so yeah... i'll juz leave it as dat..

well datz it for dis entry... til the nxt entry... ciaoz...

离家很远...

2006-06-06T10:30:00.000+08:00

随着成长远离家乡回头遥望我满肩坚强
为了梦想振翅飞翔怎么遗忘熟悉的家香...

well... datz lyrics frm a cheena song being the cheena guy i am.. haha...well i'm nt dat cheena but still cheena nonetheless....

but anywayz.... the lyrics realli do speak to me veri personally.. as i tink of wat my life is going to be like... beyond NS... into uni... n perhaps beyond dat....

as some of u ppl may noe.. i haf been planning to go overseas to continue me education at a university.... n frankly i can't fathom the thought of leaving dis country... leaving family, frenz, places of interest, culture... juz everything dat has been so familiar to me for my whole life so far.... n then plunging myself into... well... nt say an alien but largely unknown territory... with new ppl, new culture, new lifestyle albeit quite a slow, downbeat one, new places of interest (or perhaps disinterest)... itz juz... something i haven't experienced n haf no idea wat it will be like at all...

well anyway baq to the lyrics... well having to stay in a foreign country for an extended period of time... having to study there... n possibly work there.. i wonder if it does haf an effect on a person... we hear all over the place dat ppl go overseas n prefer the life there n juz stay put there... i realli wonder if dat would happen to me... the idea of gg some place else n calling dat place home n putting ur original home aside..... itz scary to put it vaguely.... emotionally i shiver at the thought of it....

but perhaps at dis point of time i'm still stuck here.... with onli dis country to call home.... datz y such a thought is kinda scary... bcoz at dis point of time i can't consider any place else my home.... so juz the thought of brushing singapore as my home is like making myself homeless without any possesions... haiz...

but well... as a few ppl do say... i tink too much.. haha... maybe when the time comes for me to go overseas... it wouldn't feel so bad... maybe i juz haven't gotten the feel of gg overseas yet... having stayed put here in singapore n nt flown overseas for a holidae for quite awhile... as i quote frm a game, "maybe starting out on a journey may not be so hard... or maybe it has alreadi begun..."

well i guess i'll leave my entry as dat... so till the nxt entry... ciaoz~.. ^^

PS: cheena song courtesy of nan quan mama -- song title: 离家不远.. check it out.. ^^

juz some introspection....

2006-05-12T10:14:00.000+08:00

heyaz... been awhile since i last blogged... well since todae's a public holidae i guess i'll juz use some of my time to write me thoughts down... well.. dun realli haf much in mind realli... will juz type abt wat comes to mind i guess...

well anyway dis week's been quite a tiring week... been running abt the place looking for stuff to get things done.... sometimes it feels kinda sian to see urself running all over the place while other ppl r juz having the time of their lives... but i guess datz wat work is all abt.. onli thing is dat i dun get paid more to do extra stuffz.. haha... oh well.. i guess datz army for u...

anyway i digress... well i guess i haf to spend some time remembering wat the Lord has done for me dis week... realli.. many things juz fell into place without me having to do much at all... stuff like nt getting whacked when we were suppose to.. getting less PT then planned... being able to carry on with stuff even with so many hiccups all over the place... being able to function relatively properly even with all the fatigue i've gotten.... i guess the more i let go of the steering wheel of my life... the more life juz works out... itz juz a veri weird but reassuring phenomenon... heh..

well to be veri honest.... i dun tink i realli haf been keeping up my relationship with God... i tink i've become overly dependent on my own strength to get things done... if i'd put it roughly i tink i've become too self-centred... but wat's amazing is dat God still continues to work with my life.. helping me out at every corner regardless of my relationship with Him... reminds of the verse in Romans 8:38-39 -- "For i am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

but does dat mean i wouldn't bother myself with my relationship with God? certainly not... which normal person wouldn't appreciate wateva another person has helped him with in a big way? i do wanna build dat relationship... but of course i'm still struggling with dat self-centred side of me... n i realli dunno if i shld juz let dat part go or continue to actively work on it... coz i dunno wat the outcome will be if i juz let go... will i juz continue growing in my self-centredness n end up an obnoxious man saturated with arrogance? i realli haf no clue... n no answer... haiz...

well anyway i guess i sated my feeling to blog... heh... n i oso dunno wat to write abt anymore... but well.. i guess i haf much work to do... be it being actively involved or learning to let go.. well so til the nxt entry... ciaoz....

2006-05-01T10:35:00.000+08:00

well here i am again... typing another entry... haha.. well anywayz... juz had some inspiration to blog... well.. coz of another unfortunate event....

tis sad to note dat i juz completed playing kingdom hearts 2 yesterdae... all those wondrous 30 hrs of playtime... juz ended spectaculourly n with a tinge of sadness as well... u noe.... when u put ur time n heart into doing something.. sometimes the end is juz hard to swallow...

well i'm nt hinting at any form of depression here... i'm too mature for dat.. hahaha... juz kidding... i still do haf minor bouts of dat.. but nt due to such reasons.. haha.. but well... the point i'm trying to make is dat itz interesting when everytime u reach the end of something... be it a tv serial... or a game... or a comic series.... esp in cases where u're attached to it somehow... there's always dis sense of emptiness... this feeling dat u've juz lost something in ur heart...

i guess datz y ppl hate goodbyes... with every goodbye a part of ur heart is lost.. itz as if a part of ur heart went away with wateva or whoever u haf bade ur farewell to... leaving behind dis emptiness... dis incomprehensable void... n ppl hate to feel empty anywhere in their hearts...

but i guess itz coz of dis emptiness dat everyone hopes to realise something eternal.. something dat doesn't end.... something dat will nv allow them to feel such emptiness again.... n i guess itz dis quest/search for eternity dat has lead many to seek religion... coz religion is the onli thing dat has stood for oh so long... well i'm nt seeking to be pro-christian here or anything... i'm juz trying to understand the workings behind the human mind n soul...

as i haf mentioned b4.. there's no never-ending banquet under heaven... everything comes to an end... be it shows... comics... passion... love... loved ones... ideals... the politics in a country... no matter how we look at it... they will eventually meet an end... the onli thing dat as stood the test of time is religion... n it will continue to til God knows when....

i feel religion is impt... coz it goes beyond the heart n the mind... it reaches to the depths of a person's soul... an area where nt many things in existence can touch... besides love n hate beyond the emotion i guess.... religion provides the basis n the drive for sustained existence in most cases... we see cases of ppl losing meaning in their lives... well itz nt merely bcoz they haf tried to find meaning in the wrong sources i.e. based on the circumstances in their lives... itz coz they dun haf a solid foundation on which they build their basis for existence on... in other words... their purpose in life...

we see in such cases they haf been living their lives for themselves... well sure they're successful... but their success is based on the basis of self-gratification.. n once they found the end of their self-gratification... they experience the same kind of emptiness dat comes with all endings... but dis time to a degree of near total emptiness... u see.. as humans... we constantly derive our energies frm other sources... physical sustenance frm nutrition... mental sustenance frm ideas/ideals... n thus... spiritual sustenance frm religion... we were nt made to be self-sustaining creatures n thus with dis obsession with self-gratification we find ourselves looking for treasure in nothingness... itz like trying to look for light in an abyss...

well... can't tink of anything more to say abt it... juz miss playing kingdom hearts 2... haha.. well.. i guess itz on to dynasty warriors 5 now... :P so til the nxt entry... ciaoz.. ^^

where is the love....

2006-04-29T22:44:00.000+08:00

well well... so here's me again trying to make some entry... keeping to me quota... tho nowadays dun realli haf the inspiration to tink of realli deep stuffz.... perhaps i need a realli gd book... hahz... but anyhow i guess as in the last entry... i'll juz rattle off wateva comes to my mind at the present moment....

was juz listening to the love*3 song by FIR... then i remembered something i saw during the week dat realli gave me the direct opposite impression.... haha... a weirdly rebellious thought process i muz say... but yeah... was having some silly safety talk in camp... then they were showing like video clips of road accidents coz the topic for the talk waz abt road safety... n some farny guy frm some driving centre came down to give the talk...

so wazzup with love n road accidents? well.. as i saw those clips... i see the lack of love in our society... even in the everyday event of commuting on the roads... there waz dis clip where dis silly motorcyclist waz looking at some car dat stopped at the road shoulder on the expressway dat he didn't notice the coach dat waz rite in front of him... so dat guy smashed straight into the back of the bus... helmet flew off n bike waz stuck in the coach... guy waz lying in the middle of the road...

well at least the oncoming car managed to turn away frm the poor guy n didn't roll over him... but the thing dat i'm realli pissed off abt is dat subsequently every motorist waz doing exactly the same thing... i would expect at least one guy to stop n at least call the ambulance or something... but those ppl were so bastard as to slow down... look at watz happening n then drive off...i realli didn't feel gd watching dat... took abt 2 to 3 mins for the silly coach driver to get out of the coach n stand ard the motorcyclist n figure out wat to do....

well dat motorcyclist died frm the accident... which made me realli pissed... itz realli irritating to see an unnecessary loss of life coz of ppl who couldn't be bothered or were juz plain lazy... i dunno.. but the fact is still dat the guy died....

itz realli sad when we always hear ppl incessantly talking abt love... how they would go thru all sorts of lame stoopid things for ppl they love... when they dun show dat kind of love to ppl who realli need it... i guess when it comes to the economy of love in singapore... we're realli a third world country in dat sense... wat makes it so.... well i realli dunno... izzit culture? or the nurturing environment? i tink it has even come to a point to me dat i even question our claim to humanity... to being human.... or perhaps we're human... but we haf chosen to amplify the negative/animalistic aspects of our humanity... traits like self-preservation... timidity... onli showing love to those we love or those who we know will reciprocate dat love...

i do admit dat i struggle with such traits.... esp dat of self-preservation... but hey... at least i tink i'm doing something abt it.... many ppl are juz oblivious to such facts abt themselves coz they bother more abt watz gd abt their lives dat they forget or even can't be bothered to do some introspection once in awhile.... n even when they do get to take a gd look at themselves... their ego gets in the way n imputes such ridiculously high esteem on themselves dat u realli wonder if there realli is anything considered wrong at all.... such an attitude realli gets on ppl's nerves coz it can get realli realli ridiculous at times.... of course such an attitude shld nt be confused with confidence... altho many times the line between the two attitudes can be oh so thin.....

oh well.. i guess i dun wanna tink anymore... talk abt lazy... haha.. so til the nxt entry... ciaoz.. ^^

meaning vs purpose....

2006-04-22T22:18:00.000+08:00

well... seems like itz been awhile since i updated the blog... heh... soory abt dat... me mind waz preoccupied by some things for awhile... so yeah.. didn't realli feel like opening up.... or maybe itz juz dat i dunno how to pen down my thoughts exactly... but hey... here's another entry... n i guess talk abt anything dat comes on my mind... nth preplanned...

well anyway been tinking abt how ppl always like to say dat they can't find meaning in life... well to me meaning in life is ironically meaningless... coz i tink meaning is most of the time imputed to life based on our veri limited knowledge of the overall circumstances n the future especially.... n wat we tink life is can actually be a gross misrepresentation of the reality of wat ur life realli is....

well then... of course we cannot juz float ard in lfie aimlessly w/o any direction rite? so to me... itz more impt to find ur PURPOSE in life instead of meaning... so watz the diff? seems like itz juz abt the same thing... well it is but there's a veri subtle but essential difference between the 2... i guess i'll use an analogy to illustrate this idea... tho i tink it may nt be a veri accurate representation of the difference itself.... take for example a can opener... itz purpose is to open cans rite? we dun hear ppl saying "the meaning of a can opener is to open cans" instead of "the purpose of the can opener is to open cans"... well wat i'm realli driving at is dat meaning is wat we give to life based on our knowledge.... purpose on the otherhand is wat our life is in reality...

therefore i come across the fact dat our meaning in life may be a misrepresentation of wat our lives r in reality.... to make it more understandable in our humanly context.... some ppl insist they're leaders.... their meaning in life is to lead others to attain greater goals... or to achieve something in their respective occupations... but perhaps their life reflects otehrwise... where they feel they're leading but their followers dun realli feel gd abt the leadership... well meaning in life may be gd for the leader as it becomes his motivation... but his meaning doesn't serve the purpose of leadership if the followers aren't confident abt it... perhaps the leader's purpose in life is realli... to be a follower...

i tink there is a veri dire need for us to differentiate between meaning n purpose in life.... juz take a look at the thought process of a suicidal person... most of them dun find any meaning in life anymore... which is merely bcoz they can't impute any kind of meaning into the circumstances in their lives.... but dat doesn't mean dat their life lacks purpose.... the thing is dat they've gotta seek out dat purpose in their lives.. instead of juz floating ard aimlessly n expect their lives to rejuvenate itself w/o any efforts frm themselves.... in view of the increasing cases of suicide... such a distinction is essential for everyone to know n truly believe in....

well... niway.. i guess datz abt wat i wanna say for this entry.. hahz... wil update again nxt week... ciaoz... ^^

"ty"-age angst? hmmm.. -_-;;;

2006-03-31T13:12:00.000+08:00

well here's keeping with me weekly quota of one entry per week... hahz... but well.. since i've got a half day todae n haf some time on my hands... i figured i'd juz note down me thoughts for the week...

well as some of u may alreadi noe... dis week was one filled with agony n anger for me.... given the fact dat me weekend got totally burnt to a crisp coz of the silly Singapore Biathlon thingie... n dat me 2 days off realli bored the life out of me... n dat i waz on the brink of falling ill... n dat after the off me superior got realli pissed n decided to bring the smackdown on me batch... n dat me saturday evening (which is tmr) will be eaten up again by some stoopid event in camp dat doesn't even make sense at all... which naturally means i can't make it to church yet again...

i noe i haf every reason to get pissed off with everyone n everything... which unfortunately happened to me during the week... waz realli too easily irritable... but i guess datz wat happened to most ppl in camp who were involved with the silly biathlon thingie.... everyone was extremely tired n veri veri irritable... looking baq i realised how much i've changed... i guess i've become more rigid... more unable to except the circumstances in life as they are without complaint or any sense of anger welling up inside.... i guess datz wat they call teenage angst... but guess wat? i'm nearing the end of me teenage years... my age will soon end with a "-ty" instead of a "-teen"... so y am i still so caught up with dis kind of anger?

i'm guessing itz the environment i'm in now datz nurturing such negative emotions.. all dis rubbish abt nt being able to bear with ur pains being considered weak.. n how we shld be "fired up" or extremely enthused everything we need to get things done... well i guess datz the culture i'm in now in camp.... n i guess i disagree with dis kinds of mentalities n such festering thoughts of disagreement haf turned into a subtle change frm docile to full of angst....

haiz... well... i guess i haf a lot of work to do on my personality... i've changed n am unable to return to who i waz b4... but i guess i'll be able to find a compromise between these 2 personalities... i guess something docile but at the same time being able to haf the same kind of enthusiasm n confidence.... i dunno... i guess dat awaits to be discovered...

well i guess datz abt it for me entry... til the nxt entry.. ciaoz~ ^^

PS: star shine shine ends tonite.... my 9pm's will be so empty again.... T_T someone quick console me... hahz...

2006-03-22T20:12:00.000+08:00

well... nth much to write abt dis week.... juz one single thought to put down in the records... i guess it juz pertains to the previous entry... well juz some of my afterthoughts of the matter....

well i told me parents abt the matter of me fren passing on... nt coz i wanted to tell them but well... the flow of the conversation juz demanded for it... n i tink me dad brought up a thought dat sortof slightly makes the way i tink clearer... well clearer as in in a way dat i noe how to express the way i tink....

well me dad was commenting on how when facing dis kind of situations we usually tend to ask abt the fairness of life or the reason behind y such things happen... n then he commented on how we shld juz stop asking y.... n i do agree.... ever since i've gotten into NS i've learnt how to stop asking y.... because many things dat i do in camp juz dun make any sense at all in every sense of the word....

so the mere fact dat we're human would suggest dat we'll need to fill dat void in understanding of the circumstances being creatures of curiosity.... well for me... i haf learnt nt to ask y.... but to ask "wat nxt?".. life is a constant flow of events.. as the wisemen frm the past haf always stated "time n tide wait for no man"... neither do they wait in the event of a loss of a man.... as creatures with knowledge of the future... most naturally we haf an innate ability called hoping... hoping for the nxt event in life be they good or bad... well in the negative case itz called dread.... but we as humans or even as living beings haf the natural anticipation for the future... itz juz dat we downplay n cloud such an emotion with other emotions dat pertain to our current circumstances in life....

well as a sidenote (n a major digression) i've started listening to Do as Infinity again.... the best jap band eva!! haha... their music is one of the rare few dat i still listen to n enjoy after all these years.... still can't bring myself to believe dat they've disbanded.... it juz feels so surreal.. haha... well.. maybe nt dat bad... but yeah... they're doing so well together but i guess they juz need to pursue their different paths of personal development... ah well... i guess i shan't ask y anymore.... so wat's nxt? van's coming out with a solo album... ryo's with some other band... looks weird but yeah... shld be gd stuff... i dunno.. hahz... but well.. do feel the nostalgia whenever i listen to their songs... haiz... well... there's no eternal banquet under heaven... datz so true...

well nth much else to say... so til the nxt entry.. ciaoz.. ^^

my burdensome neighbour

2006-03-19T18:27:00.000+08:00

sighz... tis sad to notice dat i haven't been enjoying my weekends lately.... dunno y... could be tiredness... could juz be the lack of meaning or purpose in all things... i realli dunno.. but such lousy weekends r starting to get irritating... well someone mentioned dat i need a girlfriend... but nah... i guess dat'll onli provide a temporal sense of well-being n happiness.... as with most things dat i've come across n knowing my personality... many interests come n go for me rather quickly... so i realli dunno... unless there's some form of dynamism in the relationship dat can go along with me constant state of change...

but well... my objective isn't to write abt my current state of affairs... well.. perhaps juz a little... sometimes i juz do wish i could develop a more light-hearted but still interesting style of writing... but being who i am n due to the circumstances i face incessantly i guess my style has been sortof shaped n defined by these.... but then again... i dun intend to write on dis matter as well....

well again dis entry may be kinda depressing in a way coz of the mere nature of the subject matter... yesh... once again i'm gonna write abt the stark reality called death....

so wat triggered off such thoughts? am i suicidal/tired of living? nah... far frm it... instead itz due to the fact dat i've had another nasty knock on me door again.. well... itz nt dat i had a near-death experience kinda thing... juz dat remember dat fren, or rather acquaintance, i mentioned in me earlier entry where he waz in ICU? well... poor guy passed away.... well he isn't ard my age... maybe early middle age? but still.... the sting of death transcends age...

to me death is like my celebrity nxt-door neighbour... every once in awhile he'll juz drop by me place n say hi... then off he'll go abt his business... all too often u see him on the papers.. sometimes on the headlines.... sometimes in small sections... sometimes he's scrawled all over the entire newspaper... full of his infamous, albeit morbid, deeds.... i'll hardly see him at home coz of his busy lifestyle... sometimes i wonder where he gets his rest... but when he does pass by he juz pops by me place to remind me of his burdensome existence...

to me he's an unwanted neighbour... i dun like him at all despite his hospitality... but i doubt he has any plans to move out anytime soon.... veri frankly speaking i'm tired... burdened by death... maybe i'm juz being too sensitive... which shldn't be the case... but in any case... i'm tired of seeing the loss of ppl ard me whom i know personally.... i wish to celebrate life... but the knowledge of death merely acts as a incessant thorn... an ever-present stumbling block...

but ironically w/o the knowledge of death.. there would be no cause for the celebration of life... such carousel-like logic can realli be a pain in the ass... wherein can we find the balance? to celebrate life to itz fullest without being contaminated with the sting of death.... i guess datz another mystery dat would nv be fully unveiled....

well i guess i wun dwell on such a topic any longer... itz realli burdensome... indeed in much wisdom is much grief as it is so in knowledge as well... for now i wun wanna be near death in anyway... i'm juz tired of itz constant hounding... well i'll tink of something better to write abt in me nxt entry.. ciaoz..

2006-03-18T09:49:00.000+08:00

well i ran out of titles... so i dun tink i'll be putting titles in me entries in future unless i realli do haf some inspiration for one.. hahz... well anyway i shld stick to me quota of one entry per week.... well at least on me own blog.. so here it is.... i guess i'll make it a short entry.. hahz... but i tink it'll be quite meaningful..

well i've been tinking a little lately abt Man's constant pursuit for knowledge n ,at a deeper level, wisdom... especially since i've been reading a little on philosophy as well as a book in the Bible written by the wisest man of all time.. King Solomon.... well whether datz true is up to u to discern for urself...

well anyway wat there to discuss abt dis pursuit for higher planes of intelligence n understanding? well while in pursuit there's always an objective or a final goal to be met... some call it nirvana... some call it enlightenment... i'll juz generally label it intellectual perfection... well may nt be as apt a name... but datz the best i can tink of... given my deteriorated state of linguistical abillity... hahz...

while reading up on philosophy... i stumbled across a certain philosopher Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche... some German guy who wrote realli strongly against Christianity as an institution saying dat itz the cause of the entropy of society n blah blah blah... but datz nt impt... wat he waz seeking waz for a perfect representation of wat truths realli are in themselves... the knowledge of wat things realli r instead of values or appearances dat haf been imputed by Man in general... but as i read on abt his life... toward the end he ended up insane.. nt being able to haf a firm grasp on his mental faculties....

n now onto the book of Ecclesiastes dat i've been reading up on dis week... king soloman has mentioned the pursuit for wisdom n i quote frm chap1 verse18 "For in much wisdom is much grief, And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." strangely enuff... as opposed to the widely accepted belief dat with wisdom/enlightenment/knowledge comes happiness n a sense of well-being in itz totality, such wisdom/knowledge in fact brings juz the opposite...

well... perhaps we could infer dat Nietzsche was closing in on the perfection of wisdom n perhaps he lost his mind to grief n sorrow..

so wat am i trying to say here? well i believe wat we realli need as human beings is nt to seek the perfection of wisdom n knowledge as taught by philosophy... but instead we shld seek wisdom simply for the sake of increasing it for ourselves... the further nitty-gritties of the reality of truth need nt be investigated merely bcoz itz nt necessary at all... n as we saw it could place a great burden on the mind dat we can't bear.... even king solomon acknowledged dis remarking dat such a pursuit is indeed in vain... therefore he wisely simplified our pursuit in life to juz dis... "Fear God and keep His commandments, For this is man’s all. For God will bring every work into judgment, Including every secret thing, Whether good or evil."

i dunno if u would subscribe to such an idea of involving a God in ur life's pursuit... but i'm juz sharing wat i believe is best n i dun intend to impose any of my beliefs on anyone...

well i guess i'll leave it as dat.. hahz... dun wanna tink too much... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz... ^^

the zone of drone....

2006-03-11T19:23:00.000+08:00

hmm... juz came up with dat... dunno how.. haha.. but yeah... kinda describes how i'm feeling nw.... hahz....

well i'm in the awkward state of sianess/lethargy/sleepiness/apathy again.... itz nt a realli nice feeling to be in... nth much happening dat interests me... nth much dat i wanna do...

well i guess i can take a few pointers frm me parents... perhaps itz juz there's nth much to look forward to for the moment.... or maybe i'm juz tired.... or maybe i juz need to go out but there's no one to go out with... well i did go out quite a bit... but dunno y... something's missing.... maybe i'm juz missing some challenge in life... nt so much something physically challenging but instead something more mentally involving...

waz at ypg todae... pastor mitch waz offering us the option of spiritual training... maybe datz wat i need.... something to work on n fulfilling to boot... n i realli do feel dat i need to make a better use for my time... perhaps datz y dis blog is baq up n nt left on blogger to rot away.... yeah... itz time for some cranial resuscitation... well will work on it... perhaps i'll take up the offer of spiritual training.... Study! Struggle! Succeed! hmm.... welll i guess i'll leave more thought for the nxt entry.... ciaoz....

life... as most know it...

2006-03-10T21:49:00.000+08:00

well... here's keeping to me schedule of one entry per week.. waz kinda hard to come up with something to tink abt dis week.... partly coz i waz realli quite bz during the week n didn't realli had the time to read.... n oso partly there wasn't much to tink abt while working during the day.... but yeah... managed to tink up of something.... n i guess itz something i haf mentioned b4 in the past but i will mention again... particularly life as most know it.. haha...

well... juz had to tink of stuff like dat todae due to a certain turn of events.... had some boring hockey competition todae... so had to go to bedok camp kinda early for the competition of which i played onli 1-2 minutes for the entire tournament.... a waste of time but at least out of camp.. haha.. well niway waz gg abt my business of slacking off... so made a trip down to the canteen at bedok camp... managed to meet up with a lot of old frenz frm sec sch along the way..

great to find dat we're still able to talk to each other even after these 3 or more yrs... instead of juz a "hi-bye" kinda thingie... realli great to be able to catch up with frenz dat i haven't met for so long... 3 yrs may sound like nth much... but it does a lot to anyone.... esp when we all go our seperate routes in life... realli glad to haf an opportunity to haf such a time of escapism frm the realities of army life to become who we realli wanna be.. real ppl... tho it be a short time...

well niway during the tournament me team mate waz sortof banged up real bad during the course of the tournament... kena hit in the kneeuntil got a cut.... then later kena bang in the head n kena another cut there.... realli crazy.. he's like some stick magnet getting hit by the stick everywhere so many times... but one thing i noticed waz how didn't harp on and on abt how he got walloped n juz continued with wateva he wanted to do....

i guess life's like dat... there r times where we get banged up real bad.... be it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.... n it may nt even be our fault but they may be due to the circumstances ard us dat occur out of our own control... but i guess we'll juz haf to bear with it n juz continue with life... or to put it simply, using the army term, suck thumb n continue walking....

after the silly tournament went down to the hospital to see a fren... well... dun realli know him realli well... but he's realli a veri nice guy... but well... poor guy got into a realli bad accident n landed up in ICU... well... felt all over again the fragility of life... saw him juz on wed n he waz juz fine.... n juz bcoz of an accident his whole life is nw handicapped... itz realli sian to tink how in many cases juz a few minutes of folly juz ruins the rest of ur life... juz makes me realli wanna learn how to realli tink b4 i act...

but well... i guess my stand is still to be cautious.... but nt to the point of paranoia or in a way dat it affects how i live my life.... coz i choose nt to trust in my own abilities to stay out of harm's way..... but instead i choose to let a supreme being take charge of doing juz dat for my life... well i guess most who follow me entries know wat i mean.... coz i noe wat i can do is onli limited.... but i guess i'll juz do wateva i can n leave the rest for another to take charge...

juz tot i'd like to juz immortalise a part of some lyrics frm a mayday song.. haha... *cough-cheena-cough*... but i realli find it veri meaningful n i guess it'll be sortof like a motto in my life.. haha... cool huh... well here it is -- 再看天地辽阔活着不多不少幸福刚好够用...

well aniway these r my thoughts for the week.... well.. for the day at least... hahz... will post up more thoughts when they surface in my mind.... but for nw... i'll juz haf to wait for dat moment to come... haha... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz.. ^^

word power...

2006-03-04T08:04:00.000+08:00

heyaz... juz wanted to put in another post.. waz juz tinking a lot on the aforementioned topic n juz wanted to log down me thoughts on it.... well itz gonna be a short entry i guess but still feels kinda relevant to me...

well been thinking abt how ppl haf all their diff talents... some in running.... some in drawing... some in leading... some in music.... well the list juz goes on n i waz tinking dat itz great dat they're able to haf some talent in their lives dat they can work on.... then i waz juz tinking abt my own talents... well i can't draw... i can't run, datz a proven fact.. haha.. n musically-wise i guess i'm juz average... leadership... well... datz juz nt meant for me at all... i'm a follower n am content to be dat way... thoughts on dat i'll juz leave to another entry in future if the issue so arises.... well anyway i waz tinking dat i didn't realli excel in anything at all...

well i dunno y but i realli do in a way envy those who can draw... coz they can express themselves more fully than us primary school level doodlers.... n i realli wanna find a medium thru which i can express myself more fully as well... n i guessed the nxt best alternative would be writing...

they say a picture speaks a thousand words.... but dat would be too long winded for me... i believe dat a person who's able to write well is someone who nt onli can paint a picture... but change the society or even the world... all these in less than a thousand words... thru reading a few small books recently i dunno y but i feel inspired to realli master the art of expression thru writing... i tink words can touch the soul deeper than pictures do.... n datz exactly where i wanna get at... nt juz superficial appreciation... but an appreciation datz realli heartfelt...

well of course the beginnings of gd writings muz be powered by the thoughts n ideas behind them... n i do believe dat i'm merely in the initial stages of expressing me thoughts thru writing even with so many years of education... datz y i haf made a request on me tagboard for ppl to recommend books to me... well i guess any gd book will do.. but the books i realli like to read r those dat r realli close to the heart... books like "the five people u'll meet in heaven"... n books like dat (can't give any more examples coz i dun realli read a lot of books.. hahz.. :P) but yeah... great writings need to be powered by great ideas n thoughts... n for dat i need to read more...

well... i guess i need to brush up a lot on me skill of writing... if anyone has a webbie or book on how to improve writing skills pls let me know... i'll realli like to haf a read on it... hehz.... well anyway here's me supposedly short entry.... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz... ^^

baq again....

2006-03-04T00:25:00.000+08:00

heyaz ppl.... haven't updated for such a long time... guess i had a major cranial meltdown for most of the time in between dis entry n the last... but yes... me brain's more or less baq to normal functionality n i guess nowadays i do haf more time to think abt stuff.... given dat i dun haf much to do after dinner everyday... n the mess is too far away for me to drag me lazy butt juz to catch a show... but i do go once in quite awhile.... well anyway since i do haf more time n more things dat i do tink abt... i would try me best to update as regularly as i can... well i'm hoping i can get the habit of recording down me thoughts during the week... then i can juz pick a few n juz comment on them... but yeah... as i've juz started... pls do bear with the irregularities... shld be updating abt at least once a week...

maybe i'll juz start with a thought timeline for the week... see how things go a long the way... well dunno y but i did start off the week quite badly.. felt tired... felt mentally n emotionally worn out... dunno y.. maybe juz nt resting enuff... maybe juz me body's last bursts of biological changes..... i dunno... but yeah.. waz juz then dat i flipped thru me Bible in camp again... seeing dat i realli had nth to do n nth to lose as well... n well i realli didn't lose out on anything but instead i did gain a renewed sense of appreciation for God's love for us all over again... well here r the few verses dat realli spoke to me heart... frm the book of Romans chap. 5 "6 For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." well i wasn't feeling down coz i felt guilty abt any sin or anything like dat... but juz knowing the nobility of a deity sacrificing His life n effort for us is reason enuff to be touched real deep in the heart....

well i guess i shan't continue with the timeline... coz it'll take a whole lot of space juz putting in all me thoughts in juz 1 entry... i'll juz take a few thoughts dat i can realli make comments on... n actually do tickle ur brain cells at least a little... therefore i shall omit me selfish thoughts of urs truly...

so i guess i shall touch on the matter on fear... yesh... the most primal of feelings dat touches us deep down in the abyss of our hearts.... n most ppl do thrive on fear... a veri silly way to live but at the same time a stark reality in most ppl's lives.... well it waz an interesting observation i made as i listened in on a conversation among some of me buddies in camp... well.. as an example... someone waz commenting on his reasons for believing in Christianity.. one of them being dat when he heard abt the fact dat non-believers go to hell... he did an investigation into Christianity n believed in the faith... with the thought dat he would believe juz in case this waz realli the case n he realli went to hell... another example would be dat he tried to live his life as sinlessly as he could so dat he will nt receive any punishment frm God for his sins....

i'm juz puzzled as to y fear would become the driving force behind a person's faith in Christ when wat Christianity preaches is living in a spirit of power, love n soundness of mind, void of fear.... itz realli quite a startling irony.... n something i'm quite troubled abt... i do agree dat fear does spark off belief... but at the same time it kills the growth of faith in a person if the focus isn't shifted frm fear to spiritual salvation thru grace..... fear kills growth coz ppl will usually worry abt the issues dat give rise to such fears n then forget the whole point of wat Christianity is abt -- the deliverance frm these exact same fears... itz realli troubling n at the same time mind-boggling y ppl love to dwell in such irony....

well i guess i'll juz leave the entry with juz these 2 thoughts.... coz itz quite a long read n oso i dunno whether me other thoughts r quite relevant.... maybe i'll juz add them in another more appropriate entry in future.... so til the nxt entry... haf fun.. take care n God bless... ^^

I'm back~~

2005-10-08T22:13:00.000+08:00

phew.. itz been many a month since i've been blogging... i guess most ppl deem it as dead... even me.. haha.. so y the sudden to blog again? well as i haf mentioned frm the beginning of me journey of blogging... itz meant to be a record of me thoughts dat i can refer baq to in future... coz if i write down me thoughts on a piece of paper i'll juz lose it somewhere when i wanna read it again... hehe...

well anyway... juz thought i'll write down me thoughts on trust... more specifically trust in God... y the sudden inspiration to write on such a subject matter? well today at ypg we were discussing abt the realities of life focussing specifically on stress points in life.... n i figured the points brought up were quite relevant to my current circumstance in life now... most of the stuff was taken frm 2 Corinthians in the bible.... where the apostle Paul waz recounting his struggles physically, mentally n spiritually as well... where he waz burdened beyond measure n despaired even to death.... while at the same time being able to say dat he does not trust in himself but places his trust in God n even to the point of a definite assurance of God deliverance.... i tink itz realli something...

well in my case... i guess my 6 months in NS hasn't all been a bed of roses... itz been burden after burden after burden... altho there were breaks in between... but the military, being wat it is, has made me course all so disorganised n we r expected to perform for wateva we haf not trained up enuff for.... the burden to perform without proper preparation is a veri real daily occurrence for me... n i find that more often than not i tend to trust in my own strength instead of God's provision... everyday i'm focussing on "oh no... i dun tink i can pass tmr's evolution with my current ability.." n i find dat such thoughts realli suck me dry mentally.. everyday i live in apprehension... n somehow God in His grace squares things up for me even in my lack of trust... thanks be to God for His ever faithful hand in my life...

my thoughts were centred on my inability n sometimes even when i pray dat i'll commit these inadequacies to God, my thoughts will return to my inadequacies... so altho today's lesson in ypg isn't a new one.. but i'm challenged again seriously to learn wat it means to trust totally in the Lord... to lay aside my inadequacies n trust wholly in His provision...

even as i trust in the Lord.. i guess i shld learn wat it means to trust solely in His provision instead of trusting dat He'll see to it dat wateva outcome we desire will come to pass... as is the usual human perception of trust.. juz as an example.. in my case instead of trusting in the Lord dat He will help me to pass me physical tests in NS dat i'm nt good in at all.. as is the usual way most ppl trust the Lord.. y not i trust dat the Lord will provide for me for dis tests no matter wat the outcome.. as long as God is involved in wateva i do... i tink dat is a more appropriate way of trusting God... well i'm nt implying dat we shld be trusting in the Lord in something more solid like provision instead of outcome so as to avoid disappointment... but sometimes trusting in such outcomes r nt within wat God wants for our lives n thus they become misplaced trust...

so i guessthe bottomline is dat we shld place our trust in wateva we do solely in God's provision for the task... n carry on with the task to the best of our ability.. while looking at the outcome of the task but instead looking at God's hand in bringing us thru with the task... n the outcome shldn't matter coz by faith we understand dat all things work together for good to those who love Him, to those who r called according to His purpose... so may we ever grow in our trust in God's provision...

well b4 i sign off... i wrote a little eh... poem? verse? i oso dunno... coz it doesn't like any of those... but itz meant to look like one.. so bleah.. haha... anyway to those who dunno wat's a morning glory, itz something to do with clouds... check out wikipaedia... i dunno how to explain.. haha.. :P

"Riding the morning glory;

riding the winds of trust.

Soaring up on rolling winds;

soaring up on faithful wings.

Looking out to lands afar;

Looking up to our Abba."

-Watashi

well hope u can appreciate n at least understand me feeble attempt at trying to appear intellectual... haha.... well.. til the nxt entry... ciaoz... ^^

running out of titles... :/

2005-04-04T11:46:00.000+08:00

heyoz ppl.... guess i'll juz blog for the last or perhaps the last few times b4 i go into a watery hell.. haha.... well... wat i'm tinking of writing abt todae may seem veri choy-ish due to itz veri nature..... but i guess sooner or later i've gotta put it down somewhere so when the occassion arises... at least i can rest assure dat wat i want to be done will be done..

dis "sudden" thought of writing abt such a topic is not an afterthought of the impending horrors n "risks" of NS... well maybe a bit.. haha... but i juz figured i shld record it down somewhere at least ppl noe abt it...

well enuff ranting.... i guess u ppl r wondering wat i wanna write abt.... well... may sound quite depressive but i'm actually gonna write abt me funeral arrangements in the event dat i cease to exist.... hehe... dun get the wrong idea dat i'm suicidal.... i juz feel dat i've gotta write it down somewhere coz i dunno wat tmr will bring...

well enuff abt dat.... well.. simply put i dun want me funeral to be solely a eulogy abt me life n blah blah blah.... i find it veri meaningless coz so wat if i lived a life like dat or the other? it wun make a diff even if ppl knew abt it... wat i would like is dat the vigils n the funerals would be more God focussed... focussing more on His goodness in my life if need be... but focussed on God nonetheless.... i believe datz wat's gonna make the difference in ppl's lives... not juz some simple, similarly human life like my own....

for once i'll be there in body n not in spirit.. haha... but i guess i wanna be treated as juz another of the worshippers in a worship service... where the focus is not on myself but rather on God....

well y do i wanna do dat? wouldn't it be a waste dat no one rmb's me? i tink not.... coz as i haf discussed in the previous entry, 6 billion haf and will continue to live on even without the knowledge of a person like me.... wat really matters i guess is dat i would wanna do wat i could not do in life... dat's to get ppl to believe in this religion or faith or God dat i haf gotten to know... dat way i can accomplish wat i could not accomplish when i was still existing in death....

in other words.. i guess wat i'm tinking of is a time of outreach... where more souls can be reached... and i guess it'll be better coz the pastors will be doing the outreach and would do a better job than i would... haha...

i guess most ppl wun understand y i stand up for me faith so much.... but i guess itz realli hard for me to explain and the onli way to know is to experience it for urself... we haf nth to lose rite? itz like during breaktime when we go to the canteen... we can say the queue's too long n i dun wanna queue up.... but if dat's the case we can nv get a chance at the food.... so even if the queue's long, as long as we line up we'll haf a chance at the food... and if u dun like it u can always drop out of the queue.... but at least u haf a chance.... i guess trying to understand n believe in a religion is abt the same concept.... we'll nv get to fulfillment if we dun even try....

frm wat i hear... many ppl do feel lost.... like there's a unfillable void in their lives or hearts... religion serves to fill dat void... to give purpose to our seemingly meaningless existence.... tink abt it... we can haf fun... get high... feel great... but after a night of sleep.... itz all gone.... n we feel empty all over again... and after awhile of getting the same high.... dat same form of high will feel empty all over again.... and i know dat feeling sux.... dat y religion's here to help....

of course i'm not trying to convert ppl here to Christianity.... everyone's entitled to their own beliefs.... but i believe most of us r living with veri materialistic and veri secular mindsets... which nv ever help to fill up dat void in our lives... to me, religion's the way to go in term's of mental stability and strength of character... and even providing purpose for existence.....

well i guess itz been a less distressing entry.. haha... well... i'll juz leave it as dis.... so til the nxt entry ppl... ciaoz.... ^^

the dark side of the moon...

2005-03-27T22:20:00.000+08:00

hi ppl.... sorry... haven't been blogging for a month now... been bz with work.... but since now i'm finally off work... i tink i'll juz spend some time writing down my thoughts... dis shld prove to be a veri negative exercise so readers' discretion is adviced....

well.... recently we've been experiencing many close encounters with death.... i apologise if i do offend or rekindle feelings of grief to whoever reads this.... but i feel dat i muz put it down.... if not for others at least for my mental n emotional well-being.... if u're reading dis yk, pls scroll to the nxt para... i dun wanna hurt u again.... well anyway y the sudden talk abt death? i guess i can safely say dat, at least in singapore, i've seen death datz at least somehow associated to me more than anyone else my age... however each time i look death in the face... itz sting is still there... i attended yk's dad's funeral the other day... and the feelings were juz so real to me.... coz i remembered the hurt i felt when my grandma passed away.... itz been 6-7 yrs since dat incident.... n i tot i've alreadi gotten over it.... but seeing yk's state of being after the whole thing..... the way he juz huddled up in one corner... the way he cried... it all juz felt so darn real to me.... i've been somewhere there b4.... n itz not a nice feeling to experience once again.... it realli stung my heart....

but watz the use of reflecting on it? i couldn't or maybe didn't do anything abt it.... oh sure... i can give myself the excuse dat so many ppl were crowding ard him... i couldn't get to him.... blah blah blah.... but still...i knew and still know dat i could haf done something.... something to make him feel better... something to bring baq some order to the mindlessness of the distress in his mind.... i juz feel like a useless stranger who juz so happened to be there for the sake of it.... talk abt frenship... i've nv known true frenship.... n therefore i'll juz dwell in the blatant excuse dat datz y i dunno how to offer such frenship to someone in need....

true frenship.... nv in my life haf i acqired such frenship..... mine were all temporal... if they were even there in the first place.... i'm more of an acquaintance than a fren frm everyone's perspective..... sure i join ppl for activities.... sometimes they invite u to join in.... wateva.... but there's still dat barrier.... dat distance frm ppl... there's no one i can relate to.... and no one who would wanna relate to me in the first place..... there isn't even a place for me to fit in ANYWHERE... i figured God placed me in such a position so dat i'll be independent n i wun expect a lot frm ppl when i do them a favour or wateva.... somehow i feel used all the time but i'll juz hold my peace.... i'm onli needed when ppl noe i can help them out.... when there's nth i can help them with, i'm juz left in the toolbox n forgotten til they need me again....

but guess wat? i'll juz be a fren anyway... i dun care.... fine if u juz use me... i've been made to be used.... i'll juz accept my role in life n shut the hell up... forget me.... i wun care.... coz no one would care in the first place... it wun make a difference to anyone whether i've existed or not... if i did not exist there r still many other ppl who r more than capable to take my place.... bottomline: i'll still be a fren to everyone to the best of my ability... use me however u one as long as it is within my power n moral standards.... i'll juz be used n juz fade to black.....

life is shit but someone's gotta live out the shit..... n i've been the most fortunate one to be picked..... if a shit like me juz bothers u or irritates u in anyway... juz frontstab me..... i'll juz fade to black n u'll nv hear frm me again... i live to enrich ppl's life.... if anyone's not confortable with me... so be it.... i'll juz move aside n try not to be a pest..... if u wanna noe abt true frenship... look elsewhere.... u'll nv find it frm me....i'm juz a tool dat others use and such frenship is totally foreign to me....

if u would wanna offer me such frenship... i'll be more than happy to accept ur offer.... but as it is.... no one's interested so i'll juz continue to be the forgotten tool left in the toolbox.... juz waiting for an occasional soul to open up the toolbox n by some weird chance suddenly find me n use me.... onli to be put baq in the toolbox n be forgotten.... as i haf said i haf alreadi accepted my piece in life n i'll juz know my role n shut my mouth....

oh b4 i forget i do haf a poem to share...

Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.

Friendships that have stood the test,-
Time and change - are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.

For'mid old friends, tried and true,
once more we our youth renew.

But old friends, Alas! may die,
new friends must their place supply.

Cherish friendship in your breast -
New is good, but old is best;

Make new friends but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.

somehow i long for such ideal frenships dat do last..... but alas.....it is not so for me.... so i'll juz squirm in self-pity and let u ppl benchmark against me n let u feel dat no matter how alone u feel.... at least u haf frenz to count on unlike me..... frenz i always come across... but those r temporal n in the end.... i'm juz a name to be known but it doesn't matter a bit if dat person's my fren or not.... coz it wouldn't make any difference if i had existed or not existed in the person's life at all.... tink abt it... onli abt let's say 200-300 ppl know me or at least know abt me.... but watz dat compared to 6 billion other ppl in the world who dun know me? they still lead their own lives without me.... they dun need me to exist at all.... so if 6 billion ppl can survive without me.... watz 200-300 ppl? dun worry abt taking me for granted or anything.... i'm used to it... i've lived with it all my life.... nth new for me... juz go ahead with ur own frenz.... use me whenever i'm needed.... datz wat i'm made to be.... the forgotten tool....

well... as i've said dis entry will be negative n whether u care abt it or not it doesn't matter.... i'm juz putting it up for records sake.... perhaps 20 yrs down the road i'll look at dis entry again n find dat i'm still be the same frenless tool left in the same toolbox.... well... hopefully the nxt entry will be more uplifting.... so hope for the nxt entry to come soon.... ciaoz....

wat's service all abt?

2005-02-26T23:46:00.000+08:00

haha... didn't expect an update so soon rite??? hahahaha.... somehow i feel like i gotta put dis down lest i forget n i bring myself to downfall in future....

well... i guess dis entry applies more to ppl who're serving actively in church or who r involved with church.... so those of u who haf nth to do with church can juz read on if u're juz plain interested if anything else... haha...

well anyway i guess most of us think dat helping out in the various ministries in church is an expression of our faith.... while i dun dispute dat fact... it becomes realli awry when it becomes ur onli expression of faith.... or even worse.. when it becomes our central focus of y we're in church...

anyway even in helping out.... watz our central focus? izzit when we dun help out in church we r seen as less faithful.. or less involved in church.... or less part of the church? or izzit when we do help out we can score points with God n redeem more rewards with our points when The End of Days comes? i tink we've missed the point if ew tink like dat.... remember wat were Jesus' last words to us on earth? "... But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." we were meant to be witnesses to non-believers.... not to be believers labouring towards higher reward points...

so watz all this abt helping out in church? it all converges to one thing... reaching out to others... y r we helping out in church? every single ministry help in outreach in one way or another... directly or indirectly in a supportive role.... take the church concerts for example... the choir's at the forefront directly reaching out to the audience.... but with the support of the AV crew n the ushers this outreach is further enhanced... itz nt dat when we serve in choir we're abt to gain greater favour with God than being in the supportive roles... even the ppl helping out in the kitchen do haf their place in outreach... fellowship lunch as the name implies allows us to make time for us to ineract with other ppl.... exhorting one another as well as reaching out to others....

sometimes being too preoccupied with helping out in church can cloud our true purpose of actually helping out.... so i guess itz gd to realli sit down n tink abt wat we're realli doin when we're serving in these different ministries in church... wat's our focus and/or objective... instead of juz gg thru the motions n misguide our contentment to sidetracked motives....

oh well.. juz tot i'll juz put dis down for myself to refer to in future n remind myself abt wat i'm doing with myself in helping out in church.... lest i fall into the same trap i've been in for a long time.... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz... heh... ^^

slappability...

2005-02-26T09:31:00.000+08:00

hey ppl.... been a long time since i updated..... well... not as long as the previous one but still.. hehe.. well anyway i guess dis morning i juz got some inspiration... haha... and itz a nice thought dat i juz wanna blog down...

well anyway itz sadly been several days since i did my last quiet time.... so i figured i shld start on it again todae.... n todae's devotional is truly a refreshing reminder of juz the way God realli is.... well to sum it up... itz abt how God knows us inside out no matter where in the world we are.... and i waz tinking dat God surely knows all my sins and inadequacies... n itz a challenging thought to konws dat He still loves me for who i am.... not bcoz of wat i've done or wat kinda person i am.... i know i'm quite rotten inside when it comes to my mind n faith but God still loves me for who i am.... itz challenging to tink abt it...

"but y make a mountain of a molehill"? well i guess i learnt to appreaciate dis truth more when i work in the service sector.... i get realli realli slappable customers who juz make life realli realli difficult for u and everyone working there.... tell them the charges and they say itz so expensive.... itz not fair to charge them bcoz they're still on warranty when their warranty does not cover the service we offered.... itz not fair to charge them coz they brought down the com a few times to repair n they still get charged for a different problem.... blah blah blah.... itz irksome....

n den i tink of myself and how i regard God... how i juz dun wanna make the afford to wake up earlier to do my quiet time... how i juz skim thru even when i do make an inkling of time to do my quiet time... how i dun live out how i shld live my life as a christian.... basically how i sortof "discount" God of my commitment.... n i find myself rather irksome too.... another "slappable customer" to God..... n when He still loves me like dat.... by remaining faithful when i'm not (e.g. i could haf gotten into some deep shit at work coz of my mistakes but i managed to pass thru)... by simply loving me bcoz of my mere existence n not bcoz of merit or devoutness... i find it unfair..... unfair to God... if anything He shld be the one juz abandoning me n leaving me to my own demise.... but He still loves me.... itz juz mind-boggling...

so wat am i gonna do abt it after all dis rambling? well... i guess itz a reminder for me to start living out a truthful and godly life... i own Him too much n i do not want to take anymore for granted..... well... i guess datz abt wat i wanna say.. hehe.... dun wanna try squeezing water out of a rock.... heh... ok.. so til the nxt entry.... ciaoz.... ^^

baq again.... on the matter of relations....

2005-02-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

hey ppl... in a blink of an eye i haven't updated for more than a month alreadi... sorri abt dat.. hehe... had no inspiration.... well... todae i guess i do haf something to write... perhaps it would look a little weird to some who read... heh....

well.. i dun realli talk abt it... but i got a feeling i'll be coming baq to dis situation again in future n i dunno if keeping a log of my thoughts on the matter will help but i'll do it anyway.... the future indeed is extremely unpredictable... stuff u didn't noe would help eventually help u out of a rough spot.... hope i do rmb to come baq to dis when i do come across such a matter again...

hmm... enuff idle bantering i guess... the matter at hand is a matter of relationships.... i guess many of us who aren't attached haf gone thru dis b4... tinking abt whether i shld realli get down to getting a partner for myself.... basically juz raveling n squirming in my loneliness and subtle feelings of nt being appreciated or noticed by others.... itz nt a nice feeling esp when u see others attached or at least getting along well with ppl of opp genders...

so wat's me low-down on dis? well... nth veri ground-breaking tho.... haha... juz a veri simple and humble acceptance of me place in life as well as in society.... i guess i'm nt the veri sociable kinda person... nt in the sense dat i dun like to talk to ppl.... juz dat i guess i dun haf many interesting things to talk abt... so i guess me place in life is juz to play a supporting role in society.... tho it may be hard to swallow coz most ppl including me juz wanna be at the forefront of wateva like in decision making... or maybe in doing something like performing or presenting something of importance.... wateva... i'm juz not "centre of attention" material and i guess i juz gotta accept me piece in life....

perhaps sometimes i tink of the potential of getting into a relationship now... but potential being potential is best left for the future... my role is of a supportive nature now.... juz doing wat i can for whoever asks... perhaps nt even expecting compliment or reward... the time has nt yet come for me to take up a more active role as a partner to someone else..... i dun even noe if i make sense but datz as gd as i can express myself... coz i'm not veri gd with expression thru writing....

some may ask watz the rite time..... well.. frankly i do not know coz i'm nt even there yet.... but all i noe is dat i'll know when i get there and all i hafta do is trust in God's timing for me.... if His plan for me is nt to get into a relationship at all i'm fine with it too.... celibacy's a gift.... queer as it may sound it does make sense.... not many ppl can stay sane in celibacy..... at least i dun tink can if itz for the rest of my life...

relationships r nice things to tink abt but i guess when it realli boils down to actually taking action to get into one itz another matter altogether.... i can onli hope itz sooner than later... but at the rate things r gg i guess sooner will be a longshot.... heh... oh well.... nth to worry abt... juz dat me time's not yet come.... and i juz gotta accept me plight as a bachelor....

well... to summarise... i guess it all comes down to juz waiting for the time to come n in the meantime juz constantly reminding myself of my role as an individual with respect to others in socety....

living/leaving issues...

2005-01-15T22:53:00.000+08:00

heyz ppl.. didn't expect another entry so soon rite? haha... well... inspiration doesn't come at regular intervals.... so yeah...

well.. dis week has been a week of bumming ard n waiting for calls.... n i guess i pretty much wasted my time dis week... but i guess i gotta start tinking abt stuff in my free time now to enrich myself.... n start reading as well.. haha... need to get rid of me laziness n i guess reading is a realli gd medium by which to overcome dat.... haf plenty of books to read.. so i juz hafta use those resources...

ok... so datz dat... enuff abt myself.... i guess i shld talk abt something dat pertains to each n everyone of us... if not dis entry will reek of perpetual boredom abt my boring life... hehe...

in the light of recent events dat haf juz unfolded in our world todae... both globally n locally... i guess itz onli appropriate to bring up dis issue of "wat's life all abt??"... u can be ard at one moment n juz haf ur life snuffed out of u the nxt.... so wat the heck izzit all abt?? typically itz juz living out ur childhood... reach adulthood n try to get a job and a life partner in the process... work ur butt off to support ur family.... then retire to nice old cosy rocking chair at the end of it all... n juz slip away when ur time's up....

if u tink datz life... tink again... each n every one of us r different.... we may not get married.... may not haf kids... may not get a nice rocking chair (which is most probably the case.. haha...) perhaps a few of us, if i may put it in a veri "CHOY!" way, may not be ard to get dat rocking chair we're suppose to get when we retire... may not even be ard to work our butts off.... (now u're supposed to say in unison: "choy!"...)

so.... juz watz dis life abt anyway? if at the end of it all we're juz gonna leave all our stuff here on earth... y bother working? y bother collecting possessions n chuck them in a dark corner? y bother tinking abt future plans when they all end the same way? well... one perspective to dis (especially the first question) is "y bother bathing when u're gonna get dirty the nxt day"? we all noe the answer y we gotta bath yah? if not i guess u're not my fren... my frens smell nice... haha.. :P

ok... i wun act like some 1000 year-old wise sage or some hermit dat's juz arrived at enlightenment or something like dat.... but i'll juz provide (as best as i can) my perspective of it all... to me... life is a learning experience... i'm nt talking abt studying ur entire life.... for a slacker like me i'm naturally totally against dat.. haha... well anyway... as time progresses in life... we learn frm experiences, events n advice... n thru those we mature to become stronger n wiser than we were b4... physically, mentally n ,for some, spiritually....

n for wat purpose is dis learning for? itz all gonna be left here after we leave rite? well... i dunno about u... but for me.. i prefer to take a religious look at it.... as secular views do not convince me any one bit n do not appeal to my mental sense of logic.... well... not dat the religious view is veri logical in itself but at least it satisfies my sense of reasoning somehow.... well anyway.... to me personally i believe maturing is a way to prepare us for the "life to come" so-called.... i guess if we're not veri mature we wun be able to fully appreciate the wonder of it all when we're there...

perhaps u'll be tinking... "isn't it unfair to those ppl who aren't allowed time to mature b4 they r 'made to leave our earthly being'?" well... as i haf said... i'm not a millenial sage so i dun tink i haf answers to those... all i noe is dat God has plans for them dat we wun be able to comprehend with our extremely knowledge of onli the past n the present.... i guess itz onli in future when we look on hindsight dat we truly noe wat is happening.... perhaps we wun noe for the rest of our lives... but still i believe there's a purpose behind all these things dat haf come to pass...

well... i do admit i dun haf the answers to many perplexing questions.... perhaps even my views here may be wrong or of a veri shallow perspective.... but dat's y life's a learning experience... i tink i'll be able to get more answers to these questions as i continue to walk life's road....

i tink i've written quite a bit.... at least in my current lazy bumming state... but yeah.. i guess i'll juz leave u guyz to digest these issues slowly.... it would realli help to tink abt wat u wanna achieve out of life... it would help focus ur activities... it would help as a driving force for ur life... n i guess datz wat living life is all abt.... well... til the nxt entry... ciaoz~... ^^

haiz... be needing inspiration....

2005-01-14T01:25:00.000+08:00

heyz ppl... haven't been updating lately coz there's some lack of inspiration... but since i'm so bored now.. i guess i shld juz write down some things dat come to mind rite now... hehe...

well.. itz been quite an eventful two weeks of the new yr... went to KL with me family on the first week... shopped like crazy due to the overwhelming gravitational draw of shopping areas to 2 fine ladies... but yeah... wasn't too bad....

second week's been more of stoning n slacking at home.. n looking for a job at the same time....didn't get a place at me neighbour's company... so yeah... now i ended up at times centre doing coolie n computer work at the same time.... not dat i'm complaining.... i haf no qualms abt it actually... hehe..

with most of me frenz in tekong now.... itz kinda boring knowing dat i can't meet up with as many ppl as i could in the past.... n now dat almost everyone's working now it doesn't help matters at all... oh well... i can onli look forward to work nxt week to relieve me of my perpetual state of mental n spiritual stasis.... i dunno... needing such stimuli in my life to excite my head n heart makes me feel veri unassured of wat the future holds in store for me... perhaps retirement? moments of constant stagnation r the most "effective" periods to deaden me heart n mind... n such reliance on activity is not gd at all..

well... dis week's memory card verse is frm psalm 3:3 "but You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head"... come to tink of it... perhaps if i do take more time to meditate on God n His word He can "shield" me frm such deadening of the mind n spirit.... "the One who lifts up my head"... yeah.... dat affirms God's hand in bringing me out of dis sianed state if i'm more conscious of Him.... well... these r small points but i guess itz a new insight nonetheless.... thank God for dis new look into the verse.... hoping to haf more as the days go by... been too preoccupied with myself lately....

hmm... quite a bit has been written despite my uninspired state... not too bad... but yeah... i guess i shld end here.... no point trying to squeeze water out of a rock.... anyway if anyone noes of any webbie where i can stream music into dis blog pls let me noe.... i'll like to put some background music... hehe... well... til the nxt entry... ciaoz~.. ^^

reflections frm 2004 n b4..

2004-12-31T10:27:00.000+08:00

hey ppl.. so sorry i haven't been updating.... haf been kinda bz the whole of this month.... but today... being the last day of the yr... i tink it befitting to create an entry of the yr.. both as a record n as a medium for reflection n contemplation...

i dun tink i'll be blogging so much on wat i've done dis yr.... or wat i like or dislike abt dis yr... i guess i'll like to tink abt other intangibles like state of faith.... mentality... testing n adaptation of beliefs.... stuff like dat...

well... dis yr has been a rather interesting yr for me.... looking baq at j1... i made quite a few "fatal" mistakes concerning my faith n my mentality... in the case of faith... i guess i put my faith aside for the things dat my world has to offer or challenge me with... frenz.. activities... adaptation to new environments... i sought to live by my own strength n ability... b4 jc i guess my faith was all in theory coz my frenz weren't so happening last time.. the environment waz great.... activity-wise everything waz done in sch... so nth much else outside of sch except the occasional LAN gaming sessions.... i guess jc waz a test of where i realli stood in my faith... i wun say it waz the biggest test of my faith of all time... but i know i failed miserably...

but some time earlier dis yr... i guess when everything more or less settled down.. i looked baq n thought "y the heck did i do dat?" ok fine.... the frenz were great... the activities were fun... but as all earthly things are... they juz come n go... n i traded my faith for those? i was tinking "y was i so shallow to settle for such things... i shld be looking for things more eternal... more lasting..." so started my attempt to get right with God all over again... well.. i got re-affirmed dis yr n sad to say.. for me it waz onli a momentary spiritual high.... i waz baq to my same old self when the cares of the world came straight baq at me... doing quiet time waz a veri wonky affair.. sometimes doing it... most of the time rushing to get to sch in the morning... n the many activities held earlier dis yr didn't realli help either... i waz more preoccupied with those activities than with developing my consciousness of God thru my days.... but thankfully i guess i was able to somewhat get baq to the Lord towards the end of the yr... n i thank God for His grace n also staying faithful to me when i was faithless... as the words of the song go.... "my Lord n God... u r so rich in mercy.. mere words alone r insufficient thanks..." dat realli describes my gratitude n feeling of indebtedness to the Lord...

was staying over at adrian's place the other nite n we were noticing dat most of us haf changed.... n itz true... most of us haf changed... looking baq frm now... i feel dat my mentality has changed so much even frm last yr... for one.. i guess i'm more open-minded abt this now... last time i used to expect ppl to conform to my expectations of them... like when someone does something wrong or something kinda silly.. i'll be kinda disgruntled at the person's actions n tink abt wat he should be doing n blah blah blah... but i guess now.. when ppl talk to me n tell me abt stuff they realli wanna do but i guess isn't dat gd an idea to me... i'll juz accept it as it is n accept the person for who he is... coz i figured there's no point ascribing to ppl wat u want them to be when they can't be themselves after dat... itz juz not right.... well i guess i haf pastor mark to thank for showing dat to me... the other time i waz sharing with him how i waz miserably weak in my faith n how i waz struggling to get baq... which almost felt like a futile attempt... n he didn't say stuff like "y did u even tink of putting aside ur faith in the first place??" instead he encouraged me to persevere in struggling... n offered his help as well... i tink dat realli speaks to my heart even now..

while we're on the subject of change... i guess my perception n my regard for females has changed thru dis yr as well.. itz a small thing to note... but it is a change in mentality in itself... being in a monastery for 4 yrs prior to jc doesn't help matters at all.. especially when the monastery is rampant with "depraved monks"... haha.. well... my regard for females b4 was... to say the least... despicable... itz embarrassing n somewhat disgusting juz tinking abt it now.... hehe.. but i guess at present.. i regard females as ppl... as equals... somehow i see no need to divide ourselves by gender whenever there's a gathering of some sort... if itz abt dat silly superiority or inferiority thing.. i'll say "screw dat"... itz total bullshit... each gender was made to serve a different purpose... itz juz not right to compare who is greater because itz juz dat we were made to serve different purposes... itz like asking "which is more superior? the washing machine or the tow truck?" there's no point of comparison at all.... ok... well i'll juz leave it as dat as further discussion would probably spark off an uprising as it gets more convoluted n datz not my purpose...

well.. i guess datz enuff for looking baq at the past... it waz a rather interesting yr as i haf said b4 n i guess i haf learnt much... but there's much more to learn in the years to come n itz as exciting as it is scary... hehe... but well... as the new yr looms ahead for those of us who r gg for NS n for those who haf to get a job for the nxt 6 months or so b4 gg for uni... i guess itz gd to set new goals for ourselves for the coming yr as to wat we wanna do with ourselves n with our time for the nxt yr... today's reading in the daily bread is indeed a veri gd one as we end the yr n anticipate the nxt yr.... i suggest reading starting frm verse 12 instead of verse 15 coz i tink it'll be more meaningful dat way... well... here's wishing everyone a happy new yr n may the new yr be one of cultivation n growth of mentality n spiritually... ^^ so til the nxt yr... ciaoz~... ^^

on power... on regrets....

2004-11-29T14:28:00.000+08:00

heyoz ppl.... exams r over!! n now's the "dunno wat to do nxt" time of my life yet again.... finally got some inspiration to write something after being able to find to time to watch a movie... haha.... so yeah... i'll do up an entry while i tink of wat to do with myself nxt...

anyway juz watched the show "schindler's list" juz now at home... n i rented the dvd for the show... no piracy involved! (surprised? haha.. :P) well anyway somehow i haf dis affinity for dis kinda sad gloomy shows... not dat i enjoy living in gloom... but instead.... it brings u baq to reality... it gives u small glimpses of the real brutalities or perversities of the world.... if i were to put it mroe pessimistically.. shows like these really do show us dat life n the world really isn't a bed of roses... even if it were... mind u roses do haf thorns n sleeping on a bed of roses wouldn't be the best of ideas (kekeke :P)... n somehow they haf gd soundtracks too.. hehe.. :P

for those who dunno wat the heck dis show is abt... to cut a 3 hr long story to a less than 5 mins short story.... itz abt dis guy oskar schindler who was a german businessman during world war 2 n at first he hired jews to work in his factory n earh big bucks but later on managed to "buy over" 1100 jews frm the concentration camps n "sheltered" them in his factory until the war ended.... thus saving the lives of these 1100 jews frm the holocaust during the war....

well.. there r a few points to bring out of dis show... but i guess i'll juz discuss abt one of them dat i've be munching on.... n dat is abt "power"... our general perception of power is control over others... bringing them out of wat they wanna do n forcing them to do wat u want them to... but schindler's idea of power is rather different... (rough) quote: "Killing people as a punishment for their crime is not power.... itz justice.... power is when u haf every justification n right to kill a person.... n u pardon him..."

i tink datz a veri interesting perception of power... n i believe datz my personal perception of power as well -- power comes frm self-control... find the ability to control the entirety of urself... ur mind.. ur body... ur impulsions.... n the ability to control other things ard u will naturally come.... like ppl... or the environment... or circumstances.... take dis case for example... in an argument: u'll haf a higher chance to control the opposition to tink along the same lines as u n keeping a level-head n an objective mindset while bringing across ur point... rather than to exchange a flurry of offensive, impulsive n often unfounded statements at each other.... dis is power over another person's mind....

if the opposition does not show any sign of being able to be convinced... the ability to control ur tongue while taking the verbal attacks frm ur opposition n resisting the urge to retaliate is a form of power.... power over the circumstances.... power to kill an argument b4 it escalates into something worse than an argument... the power to pardon....

since i haf not been writing for so long i guess i'll juz add in another point for ur reading "pleasure".. haha.. :P well anyway towards the end of the show... when germany lost the war n schindler had to go into hiding bcoz he waz frm the nazi party... schindler saw the jews dat he had saved b4 he left... n he waz filled with remorse as he said "i could haf saved more...." while estimating how many jews he could haf saved if he sold dis or dat n if he hadn't wasted most of his money on luxurious living...

the point i wanna make is.... dun live life with regrets.... coz pass mistakes can nv be changes n u'll live in the horror of dat mistake for the rest of ur life... even if it slowly moves to the baq of ur mind as time passes.... i know i haf some regrets in life.... especially with regards to my grandparents.... many wrongs i did... many things i did not do... if i juz quieten my mind n tink baq on those events i still do hurt in my heart... datz y i choose not to tink abt it most of the time.... but the fact is they're still there n they will resurface once in awhile to make u feel bad abt urself.....

so the bottomline is: do wat u wanna do as long as it is lawfully n morally upright... dun live to regret abt something u did not do when u could haf done it... coz life will be veri miserable when ur list of regrets stacks up....

anyway i guess i'll end here.. kinda tired coz i woke up damn early in the morning to exercise n ended up feeling veri horrible coz i haven't been exercising for a long time n dis morning's stint waz kinda like a shock to my body.. hehe... so yeah.. need some rest... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz... ^^

ps: sorry abt the "overly-realistic" entry... juz posting my thoughts.... pls do look forward to more uplifting entries in future... hehe.. :P

my "wishlist"...

2004-11-14T21:53:00.000+08:00

hey ppl... juz thought i'll blog abt something datz been on my mind for the longest time n i've started tinking abt it in light of recent events... well... as i haf stated n reinstate now.... i'm juz using dis blog as a record of my thoughts in case they're lost in time.. but pls feel free to read my thoughts... literally.. haha.. niway pls dun mind the grammatical n spelling mistakes i may make along the way... dunno y my typing's a bit off todae.. hehe..

waz hanging out with tee the other day... suppose to find some place to study in orchard but i guess we took a gargantuan detour n ended up walking up n down orchard looking at stuffz.. haha.. niway waz following ard looking at stuff dat tee wanted to look at.... in light of the coming xmas festivities, had a small glimpse of watz in his wishlist... didn't bother to tink much abt my own wishlist tho.... nv realli had one to talk abt in the first place.. hehe...

well.. not until todae.... todae's msg for the church sermon waz abt being ministers for God.... well... had nth to do abt wishlists but i haf to admit... my thoughts strayed.. hehe.. but waz tinking abt wat i wished to haf at xmas.... n dis dormant feeling juz resurfaced n filled my heart n mind... it waz a wish dat i haven't thought abt for quite some time.... as some of u ppl may noe... i'm a person of little wants.. but dis has been a "want" dat i had since i realli got to know the Lord in a veri personal way...

well... dat want is dat i would like at least.... JUZ ONE of my frenz to get to know the Lord n come to believe in dis faith dat i haf.... well... perhaps a slightly more "repulsive" term for dis is conversion... hehe.. i guess dis want waz born out of the lack of ppl my age in church.... n wanting to fill dat age gap... but as i grew a bit in my faith.... i juz simply want my frenz who i realli care abt to benefit out frm dis faith i haf.... not bcoz i gain anything out of it... coz frankly i dun get money or fame out of doing this.... but bcoz i realli wanna share watz been helping me in my life n in my development as a person with others...

well.. perhaps i haven't been dat great an example datz y ppl dun see watz so gd abt my faith... perhaps if there were a way to compare wat i could haf been without Christianity in my life with wat i am now it will be more convincing... but since there isn't such a thing i guess i'm confined to convincing ppl with the way i am now... *shrugz*

but if u ask me wat i realli want for xmas... or watz my wishlist for xmas... actually i dun realli haf a wish"LIST" persay but a wish... n after reading dis entry u shld noe.. hehe.. well... there's some church xmas lunch 25th dec... so i f u wanna go juz let me noe... i'll be most happy to bring u along.. ^^ well... u may call my want selfish or something to dat effect... coz it concerns changing another person's life to satisfy my want... but yeah... who says wants can't be selfish? haha.. n believe me... satisfying dis want has positive externalities.... hehe...

bleahz.... i myself feel uncomfortable writing abt dis coz i dun wanna be thought as someone who's a conversion freak... gg all over the place looking for ppl to convert to christianity... but at the same time i realli do wish the best for my frenz... bahz... if i dun realli mind dis entry then do take dis want of mine seriously... if u feel uncomfortable abt reading it then juz forget it... dun wanna impose anything on anyone..... so til the nxt entry... ciaoz..

PS: hey... got a new trophy.... got a cool jap name... kawazoe kazuki... haha.. yatta... ^_^V

for the recordzzzz....

2004-11-12T18:47:00.000+08:00

bleahz.... got me silly enlistment letter todae.... i'm in the "free admission swimming club"... yesh yesh.... nth much to blog abt on dis but yeah.. juz for the records.. hehe.... :P

in the empty void....

2004-11-12T17:07:00.000+08:00

hey there ppl.... in the midst of a short period of "paperlessness"... meaning to say dat there aren't any papers for almost a week!.. anyway today's entry is not a result of inspiration but rather the lack of it....

being in the midst of an exam is tough.... especially when u haf breaks like these... i'm sure at least some who r gg these times of mental taxation would empathise...

somehow in the midst of this period of paperlessness there's this queer sense of loss.... loss of motivation... loss of purpose.... even loss of a will to go thru the day... knowing dat the day ahead would either end in total waste without studying or end in total exhaustion frm studying.....

exams r tough periods of time.... not solely bcoz of the papers... in fact for some itz not due to the papers at all... but due to the psychological n spiritual strain placed on a person.... to ensure gd results.... to juz pull thru the exams... to continue to study tho u're so darn sick of it.... to try to keep to commitments while knowing dat focussing ur energies on the exams alone is alreadi touching the limits of ur mental n spiritual strength...

i guess itz times like these dat we haf to learn to rely on God's strength in weakness (taken frm 2 Corinthians 12:8-10).... up to now i still can't seem to grasp the essence of dis lesson.... strength in weakness... perhaps i haven't found dat strength yet... perhaps i onli know how to wallow in my inadequacies.... but i dunno how to learn or even to grasp dis concept... weakness has always juz been weakness to me... having strength in weakness means dat u're alreadi strong... wherein does the weakness come in?

in dis phase of purposeless existence i realli dunno wat to do with myself.... there's a want to do something but at the same time.... there's nothing i wanna do... perplexing n frustrating indeed.... i guess there's nth much i can do besides blogging.... afterwhich i'll juz ghost ard the place.. drifting aimlessly to who-knows-where.... sorry for the depressing entry but i guess i juz need to voice these out somewhere somehow.... for those who feel the same.. juz know dat u're not alone... for those who don't.... juz be wary dat there r those who do.... guess i'll embark on my aimless "ghosting ard" quest now... so til the nxt more uplifting entry... ciaoz...

thoughts while u're "high"..... ;)

2004-11-10T23:35:00.000+08:00

hey there ppl.... juz had a veri interesting thought... didn't tink i'd haf any inspiration to blog but it is indeed veri interesting.... haha...

niway haf u ever thought wat it realli will be like in heaven? as in seriously n in great detail? haha.. well... i dunno in great detail but juz had some veri interesting propositions abt wat we probably will be like in heaven...

well as most of u all know n most probably agree with.... we leave our earthly physical selves behind n our souls leave for the "thereafter".... but ever thought wat our souls will look like? of course we in physical form cannot even try to fathom the appearances of spiritual entities for the simple fact dat they're spiritual in nature n do not conform to our usual concepts of laws n theories... perhaps we'll juz be entities dat merely exist but without a form... an entity whose presence can merely be felt but can't be observed or be proven to exist by the physical laws of this realm....

so wat will it be like in heaven? will it be paved with golden streets n endless rows n blocks of mansions? i tink heaven is beyond dat... both figuratively n literally.. haha... it is hard to imagine heaven without a physical comparison i guess... so i guess we'll juz stick to golden roads n mansions.. haha... :P

anyway... since heaven is a spiritual n supposedly "higher" realm (no pun intended... or not? :P).... i guess our souls will function in far more superior ways than our physical being now.... i waz tinking... if differences in physical appearance is wat differentiates us frm another person in this physical realm of the universe... wat helps us to differentiate one person frm another in heaven? i'm coming frm the perspective dat we r in a much superior form than our present one n most certainly we would be using far more superior methods of distinguishing one frm another.... so i'm guessing dat in heaven... one person is distinguished frm another by the qualities n personalities of the soul of a person....

perhaps we wun "see" another person by sight but we "see" a person using our hearts.... put it in another way... we "feel" one person frm another.... for example... i "feel" dat Person A has a certain measure of different qualities... like this person is a veri encouraging person... althought he's not a veri outgoing person.... n dat distinguishes Person A frm Person B... who "feels" different because of a different measure of qualities in the person's soul... like Person B is a very cheerful person and is veri open to other ppl...

i guess as superior beings in heaven... we shld also function in a more superior way than we do in our present forms... so i tink we can tell wat another person's mood is by "feeling" the person's soul... like we can tell a person is happy coz we can "feel" his soul "radiate with joy"... or we can "feel" dat a person is feeling veri encouraged when u "feel" dat person having an "air of confidence" abt him... well.. i guess i can onli use these imagery to help bring across the jist of how we tell another person's mood... coz physically we cannot tell wat's gg thru a person's mind n we rely on "body language"... which may not be accurate coz the person may hide his true emotions behind a different "body language"...

hmm... kinda fun to tink abt all these stuffz.... altho it may be cheem but itz juz so cool to tink abt the possibilities dat can happen when we proceed to the "nxt world" as some will call it.... juz makes me kinda "look forward" to proceeding onto the nxt phase of existence.... but pls.... disclaimer: i'm not advocating premature death like committing suicide or getting urself killed... wat i mean to bring across is dat while living out dis life.... itz kinda fun to tink abt wat will happen to us n wat we will experience in the nxt life.... so i will anticipate it til the day when the time is right n God "calls me upstairs".. hehe... so ppl.... dun do anything silly yah? make the best out of dis life now in dis physical realm while preparing ur soul for the nxt step into the spiritual realm... :D

well... for the sake of tee n yh i will touch on the matter of "do rabbits go to heaven" in another entry... haha.. so til then.... cyaz~.. ^^

to eternity... n beyond....

2004-10-25T22:56:00.000+08:00

hey hey ppl... didn't expect me to put up an update so soon yah? haha... neither did i... but juz thought dat i had to put dis up for the sake of.... at least a few ppl...

anyway haven't put up links to the Daily Bread devotional for a long time... but i figured dis entry in the devotional is realli relevant to some ppl i know.... here it is *click!*.... oh.. pls do read the passage frm the bible too [clicky on the linky]... realli puts into context wat the entry's tokin abt...

i guess few of us wonder.... watz there to life? izzit all abt studying real hard... getting a great fantastic piece of paper called a certificate... getting a job with a big fat 5 figure monthly pay.. n start planning retirement frm there? or perhaps a less stereotypical objective to life... juz studying hard to get to qualifications to do wat i wanna do.... no matter how low-paying or unappealing the job is to the masses? wat is it to life?

i guess dis devotional entry allows us a glimpse at wat life realli shld be... life is more than personal achievements.... or an outstanding social status... or wateva... there shld be a more in-depth perspective into life... something more long-term... more far-reaching... something like... eternity... i guess as budding little youngsters we dun realli see the need to look into dis kinda stuff.... but i guess starting early allows us more time to change our lives in the direction of these "eternal goals"...

tink abt it... there's nth in dis world dat we can bring with us in death.... hehe... we can't even bring our own bodies with us for crying out loud... so wat is social status? wat is wealth? or wat even is enlightenment? our bodies n minds r juz left here n wat we bring with us is our essence.... our soul... we bring with us not knowledge... as knowledge has no use to us in death... but beliefs... faith... hope...

well... will juz leave u with this short thought... didn't haf much inspiration todae but figured i REALLI REALLI haf to put dis down... juz feel dat itz my duty to share dis with fellow frenz who may be trudging aimlessly down the road of life... juz as most of the ppl ard my age would.. (i realli dunno but i'm guessing dis is the truth in living in the phase between teenhood n adulthood...)

aemaeth... truth?

2004-10-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

hey ppl... i'm baq again.... sorry for the sudden random occurences.... i'm sortof in a random sporadic unpredictable mood now.. hehe... anyway... realli didn't know wat to do with myself... so juz tot of blogging... so pls dun mind me if i juz come up with points dat r devoid of any sign of coherence or relation to each other.... hehe..

well.. anyway came across quite a bit of realli.... eh... stuff dat i somehow tink abt... wun say itz thought-provoking.... somehow i tink "thought-provoking" wouldn't match my current state of mind.. hehe... somehow... *shrugz* firstly itz dat "butterfly effect" thingie dat i haf been introduced to by fish n twj... realli weird stuff... proposes dat a flap of a butterfly's wing in Brazil can cause a typhoon somewhere else in the world.... far-fetched.... but an intriguing idea nonetheless.... well.. it'll take millions or even billions of years between the flapping of the wing n the typhoon due to dissipation of energy (info accredited to ben tan).. but wat if such a theory were true in cases where "energy" is irrelevant? how abt social systems? psychology? hmm... can't tink of anything else at the present moment.... but tink abt it... wat if a small decision on our part to do or to "not do" something would cause a revolutionary change in some other place? wat if helping someone buy a drink now could result in helping a poor boy somewhere else become a millionaire when he grows up? u'll nv know... many other e.g's... but yeah... wun type them all coz it'll be a long read of juz examples.. haha..

well.. talking abt dis strange theory... reminds me of chaos theory... the quest to find a certain order in apparent disarray.... there seems to be some kind of pattern dat "chaos" in most forms keep to... or so itz proposed.... going into n out of phases of predictability n unpredictability in a certain pattern.... feels so weird to tink of the prospects of this... chaos... an entity dat supposedly can't be expressed in any way other than language.... now being expressed mathematically.... imagine wat will happen in future.... can our lives be expressed mathematically too? can all our thought processes be given a constant, be they sane or insane, rational or irrational? can our once unpredictable psyche be expressed according to a formula according to each person's background n other variables? interesting but at the same time scary thought...

well.. enuff of these irrelevant thoughts.... they're best left to mathematicians, aka "those-with-too-much-time-n-brainpower", to tink abt... amateurs like me shldn't be dwelling on such thoughts.... there r better things to tink abt... like the coming A's.... O_O... well... abt the A's.... i'm NOT PREPARED.... AT ALL.... i guess itz a repeat of the O's.... gg into the exam hall in a unprepared n rather sorry state..... but i guess i gotta do something abt it.... i'm NOT gonna let history repeat itself.... firstly coz i'm not a history student... secondly coz dis concerns wat i'm gonna do after NS.... which is onli 2 yrs out of my many many many yrs after NS? yes.... GANBATTE EVERYONE! itz onli a month to go b4 liberation n laziness sets in.... ^.^V

hmm... on to another thought.... juz finished watching the entire series of ghost in the shell.... some chim sci-fi anime... can be gory too... but juz wondering... wat makes a human human? izzit intelligence - the ability to analyse n utilise wateva our environment provides us with? or izzit conscience - the psychological unit or moral discernment? or perhaps (to some) the soul - something dat i can't explain bcoz of itz extremely close similarities to the mind? well... the idea of being fitted with cyberbrains in the future n, with the advance of cybernetic technology, being able to transfer ur mind between cyborgs... wat makes a human human? we all know itz not the flesh coz all other animals r made up of some material substance... so juz wat izzit? to me.... i tink it is an awareness of our being... an awareness of our existence in dis three dimensional plane in the presence of time... an awareness dat things dun juz appear out of no where... dat we haf to be created somehow.... this brings abt religion... tink abt it... y dun we see monkeys worshipping their favorite fruit tree? or killer whales tinking twice abt attacking their prey when they're hungry? perhaps if i take it one step further... i tink religion is wat makes us human....

ok... i tink i haf typed long enuff... perhaps i dun even know wat i'm typing.. hahaha... oh well... *shrugz* i leave it to u to decipher wat i'm writing.. hahaha.. :P well dun fret if u dun understand wat i'm writing abt (dun tink u would anyway... hehe)... all these thoughts r irrelevant anyway n r onli food for thought... nth dat will help us in any practical way in our daily lives... but if u want something to munch on if u're bored... perhaps u can pick out little points here n there... hehe... so til the nxt entry... enjoy~.. ^^

I...

2004-10-17T23:37:00.000+08:00

hehe.. juz leaving a short note... sorry for the lack of updates.... haven't been inspired to blog lately.. dunno y... muz be the stress... having to deal with the different minute phases in life.... blah blah blah...

niway juz thought dat i'll voice my thoughts in dis entry.... well.. itz not so much of a reflective entry than an entry dat appeals for a response.. hehe..

been thinking lately of wat kinda impression i give ppl... i guess most ppl i know tink i'm veri bubbly n carefree... always trying to see the lighter side of thingz n perhaps even to a point of not being serious at all....

well.. therein is the matter to ponder over: izzit bcoz of such an impression i give to ppl dat ppl can't be close to me? coz they tink dat i can't take anything seriously... dat even when ppl tell me their probz/concerns i'll juz make a joke or a lame comment out of it...

but at the same time i dun wanna give ppl my dreary (but rather unseen i guess) impression.... i tink dat will realli put ppl off or even scare them away... hehe... i guess my bubbly self is juz a front... if i may juz spill the beans... coz i know my usual self is not a veri impressive one.. hehe... i know i'm not always in the know... ppl tok n gossip abt dis event or dat person n i dun even haf half a clue wat the heck's gg on...

i guess itz bcoz of dis kinda impression i give dat ppl can't take me seriously in the rare event dat i am ACTUALLY serious.... itz a disgusting feeling to haf someone kid over something u're veri serious abt... n believe me... i know when to be serious coz i know when to draw the line.... if it isn't so obvious i'll juz respond appropriately to an outright "i'm serious..."

dunno y i juz wanna express my thoughts in dis entry... mabye i'll even look baq at dis entry in future n tink "man... y did i even tink of dis crap"... well.. juz got a feeling i shld voice it out....

niway on with the matter at hand... guess i dun haf many close frenz coz of dis "happy go lucky" impression as well as the "he's doing so well in sch n life... he doesn't need my help" impression.... well... to tell u the truth... i'm juz as normal as anyone else n i do need help too.... maybe not academically... but perhaps socially? life isn't all abt sch... there r other areas to develop too... guess my circumstances do not allow for me to develop socially... maybe not... i'm confused...

i apologise for the self-centred nature of dis entry n i apologise further if it puts u off... but i juz need ur thoughts on dis... as a matter of self-consciousness.... and as a matter of self-improvement... if u haf anything against me or anything u tink i need to know... pls tag... i'm more than happy to change accordingly.... ur response is veri much appreciated... *bows*.. so tilt he nxt entry in the not so near future.... cyaz.. ^^

inspiration... breath deep

2004-10-03T21:52:00.000+08:00

well... nth much to write abt the weekend.. hehe... but juz came across something veri interesting n perhaps inspiring dat i would like to put down lest i forget.. hehe..

well.. guess i'll put it down veri briefly... waz gg thru the mtv webbie to check for dis week's hitlist charts.. (no tee... i'm not a chart follower.... hehe..) then came across dis section where the mtv vj's do some Q&A thingie n saw donita there... haven't seen her ard for a loooong time so i figured i'll be a kay poh n juz check it out to see wazzup with her...

so i waz reading all the silly stuff n i came across something dat realli interested me... in fact i found it quite unusual for it to be found in a celebrities' reply to questions... *quote* "I will say that I am very secure in who I am as a human being and although there are many detractors out there, there is a peace inside of me that no one can take away. It’s that peace and joy that the "Big Guy" upstairs has placed in me that definitely emanates through the screen to those that watch!!!" *end quote* at first i tot it waz some "for-the-sake-of-it" kinda statement... but as i read on... i found dat God waz actually a veri real part of her life...

itz hard to find celebs openly talking abt their faith n sharing it with everyone... come to tink of it i wonder y.... izzit because God is juz an ideology to them? or izzit because they're so full of themselves dat they choose to acknowledge their own hard work n their own talents instead of attributing such talents n opportunities to God?? i dunno... coz obviously i'm not a celeb.. haha.. but donita's veri unique i muz say... n her courage for not being afraid of speaking abt her faith in God to her fans is realli something worthy of (at least my) utmost salutations....

well... actually didn't realise her conviction until i checked out her biography on her fan site... God's a real BIG part of her life.... in everything she does... God's always present in her mind.... even in wat kind of life she wanted to lead.... she committed it to God... most of the time ppl in the showbiz get famous n then they let it get to their heads n they forget the ones who brought them there until they get a grammy n then start thanking their parents in dat one sentence of perhaps their entire lifes shld they get onli one grammy.... but in donita's case.. she didn't forget the role of God in her life... n i'm impressed with dat...

most christians (well.. at least for me..) tend to put up a front when they're not in a so-called "holy" environment like at school or at work.. i guess itz bcoz of dat unpopularity dat comes with being religious... everyone wants to be accepted in society... n dat usually means putting God aside n conforming to the culture of society... i feel dat i'm guilty of dat most of the time...

after reading abt her... i feel so inspired.... coz usually ppl associate Christians to ppl who do white-collar jobs... who r always veri serious ppl... sometimes ppl tink dat most christians r rich ppl... but she juz doesn't fit into the usual stereotype of a Christian.... n yet... she's one n a veri staunch (if i may say) one at it... so it doesn't matter where u r or wat job u're in... u still can be a veri strong Christian in wateva u do... anyway God has blessed her with a gd-looking n hopefully nice husband n recently a healthy kid.... u go girl.. haha.. *zi bi*

ok... said dat i'll make it brief... but i guess itz not so brief anymore... hehe... so tilt he nxt entry.. ciaoz... ^^

reminisce....

2004-10-01T20:05:00.000+08:00

hey ppl.... baq with another update... wanted to update like everyday but yeah... got distracted as usual.. haha... niway todae marks the beginning of the unofficial "study break".. coz sch's still on for nxt week... :/ but yeah... a study break to speak abt is definitely a gd start.. ^^

nxt week starting on morning-only timetable.... as in gtg to sch in teh morning for lects onli... then the whole afternoon is for u to mug/waste* (delete where appropriate) away... oh well... works for me... at least i wun be like some other ppl.... come baq to sch for onli 1 lect... sad life...

niway dun haf much to tok abt todae... will juz do a bit of a reflection i guess.... since todae is the so-called "last day" of sch proper... i guess itz natural to tink abt the pass 2 yrs of ur life u've spent in the sch.... i muz say my first yr wasn't a veri "gd" yr per say... still had qualms over being in NY.... n all dat nonsense.... still tinkin of SOC.... still in J1 mood.... relaking one corner like dat.... weren't realli talkin much to me classmates.... n i guess me classmates weren't comfortable with opening up to each other as well... guyz kept to themselves... gerz kept to themselves.... not much unity... yah.. n all dat crap... it waz real crappy.... altho it isn't the main reason y i didn't like NY...

second yr.... well... started off more or less the same... but i guess i opened up more to ppl in NY after the talentime thingie.... yeah... dat waz like sometime in march i guess.... after the J1's got baq their O's results.... yeah.... i guess i had some form of association with something or some ppl by being in a band.... n oso had fun jamming.... tho had to lug me silly violin all over the place.... haha... but rememebering the song we performed realli gives a deep nostalgic feeling.... with a tinge of sadness as well esp at such a time like dis... yeah.. the song waz "yesterday n today" by do as infinity... the first part of the lyrics is realli meaningful... "dear frenz... so long... wasurenai..." *sad* (for ur info... wasurenai = unforgettable... something to dat effect i guess.. hehe.. help me out fritz..) itz a sad gdbye song... ironically we sang it at the beginning of the yr when we were starting to warm up to each other.... hehe.. the simple funny ironies of life... *smirk*

well... got to reconcile my so-called "grudges" against NY dis yr... which is a gd thing... dat means i can move on with life... w/o stagnating n rotting at a particular spot in life... i guess itz dat static state n reluctance to adapt to the situation dat tends to make ppl immature.... i know i feel immature abt the way i felt last yr when i tink abt it now.. hehe...for those with regrets in life.... juz leave them be n move on with life... or else u'll nv EVER develop a deeper character... i do haf regrets in life dat i know i cannot lay to rest forever... but i juz try not to tink abt them.... the present calls for being able to let go of the past n moving in anticipation of the future....

niway abt classmates.... i guess i haf said dis b4... they're a colourful bunch... frm different walks of life... me being the odd one out i guess.. hehe... but i'm fine with it... in fact i'm appreciative of this fact... this means i get to immerse myself in different cultures.... different interests... different thought-processes... different personalities.... all these make a person acquire a balanced personality n allows one to mature more "wholesomely" thru recognising both the glam of the so-called "ang-moh" sch's n the "down-to-earth-ness" of the so-called "cheena/neighbourhood" sch's.... i can live with dat...as mentioned b4... i wouldn't haf learnt many of the life lessons drawn in my time in NY in any other sch.... each having their own distinct n unique chemistry n culture.... so MB... i guess there r lessons in NY which u couldn't haf learnt in ur SOC as well... hope dat helps u resolve ur "problem" with NY.. haha... :)

well... one regret i haf is dat i guess we as a class have onli started opening up to each other towards the second half of the yr.... i regret not trying to open up to u ppl earlier.... but i guess dis can't be helped... even if i wanted to... not many ppl would haf wanted to in a situation like last yr's... well... as i mentioned... dun live with regrets... juz move on n i guess we gotta make best of the time we haf left as a class b4 we go our seperate ways.... guyz to NS (bleahz)... gerz to their respective local or some overseas universities... we'll meet other ppl... n dis bond of frenship may not last.... no matter how many times we meet a yr... sooner or later we will haf our own commitments n we wun be able to meet each other as oftenly as we want to... perhaps we may not even want to meet up in future due to all these commitments.... so i guess we shld treasure n cherish it while it lasts presently....

waz tinking of setting CNY as a annual meeting time for out class.... then we can lou1 hei2 together each yr.... catch up with each other... rmb the times we spent together.... haha... sound like so old.... but yeah... i'm serious abt the annual meeting thingie... :)

itz been a great 1 yr i guess.. hehe... last yr waz... hmm.. okok larz... but i muz say dat i realli enjoyed myself in the presence of such frenz in sch when we r as a class.... i guess many (i wun say all.. hehe..) would like to stick with each other for a longer time at least.... but as they say.... (loosely translated) "there is no banquet under heaven dat doesn't end"... datz the sad part abt life... but oh well.. we gotta live with it.... *smirk*

well... i guess wateva happens.... we gotta take charge of our own future.... of course not at the expense of others ard u.... i like the song "drive" by incubus... sounds like some gothic heavy metal but nah.... itz a veri nice easy-gg song... with veri meaningful lyrics... it calls out to all to take charge of our own lives... get the mp3 to appreciate the song better.. hehe.. enjoy~ :)

Drive
By Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.

So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.

Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
Do do do do do do do do

ok.. itz a long entry... n i tink i've been tinking too much abt dis kinda sad stuff... gotta give myself a break.. haha.. :P so til the nxt entry... ciaoz~... :)

exam perks n "the snippet"..

2004-09-28T16:03:00.000+08:00

hey hey ppl... hehe... figured i shld update more often after the prelims to make up for the times dat i haven't updated me blog during the prelims... niway always kena msg's frm ppl to update blog one so might as well.. hehe..

anyway yup... itz the first week baq in sch after the prelims... everyone's feeling kinda edgy n depressed.... due to the uncertainty n insecurity of getting an alright grade for the exams... well.. juz wanna share wat i read in today's devotional... realli relevant n encouraging for the current circumstance... hehe...

juz wanna highlight a couple of the verses in the passage... namely verses 6 n 7... "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." in these times of great stress n pressure (i.e. exam period.. esp O's n A's..) there's always something to be anxious abt... like getting gd grades... finishing up the revision for exams in time for the actual exams itself... fear of burnout... irritation of fatigue... wat we all need is peace frm all these worries n prayer provides this peace...

it doesn't mean dat once we pray all our problems will juz dissolve n resolve themselves n nv reappear ever again... instead it grants us a peace of mind even when we haf to face these anxieties head-on.... realli helps to clear up a boggled mind n oso proves to release the strain frm the mental well-being... haha...

juz a short snippet of my thoughts everytime i'm stoning on the bus... most of the time we feel like we dun look so bad.... dat sometimes when a task calls for charisma we're more than up to it.... but somehow i feel dat maybe i'm not dat special afterall.. maybe i'm juz an average dave with the guy-nxt-door look.. well.. i'm not saying i'm suffering a bout of depression or some inferiority complex... neither am i saying dat i feel under-appreciated... "i know how to be abased... n i know how to abound..." haha... i guess i'll be abased with my current physical appearance n strive to abound in my mental n spiritual maturity.... but sometimes these thoughts of so-called self-awareness do surface...

itz juz a hunch... but i guess ppl with gf's/bf's dun feel too insecure abt how they look or how they r coz they know they're appreciated by whoever their companion is... i guess datz wat draws most ppl to start up a relationship.... to gain some form of appreciation frm someone else at a more personal level.... but then again... i may be wrong... coz i've nv been in one myself.. haha..

well.. datz a short snippet... kinda silly tinking abt dis kinda stuff coz the fact is dat i dun haf a gf n most probably wun get one in the nxt few yrs.. haha... n datz dat.... dun tink i'm ready for it too... tho the opportunity for one is tempting enuff.... but enuff of dat.. haha...

baq to the blog.... well... to all ppl who're doin their final-yr exams or promos in abt a week's time.... all the best!! dun fret if u've haven't finished ur revision.... juz try ur best during the week n sit for the exams nxt week.... doesn't matter if the grades aren't too gd or aren't up to expectations.... at least u know u've done ur best.... if u know u haven't done ur best... well... try again the nxt rnd of exams.. ^^... for those taking their O's n especially A's.... itz a different matter... haha... coz i guess there wun be a nxt time...

hmm.. didn't know i could qrite dis much... expected a short entry.... well anyway itz the exam period now n i juz wish every student all the best! work hard.... play harder! ^^ ciaoz~...

itz been another 8 dayz...

2004-09-26T19:41:00.000+08:00

hey hey ppl.... baq by popular demand..... coz increase in supply is crucial to price equilibrum.... lalala~ ok.. enuff econz... i'll juz shoot myself one of these dayz.. haha... niway yuppo... itz been another 8 dayzzz since the last update.. haha... so i tink the blog is crying out for some attention frm me....

well aniway shld update abt the week.... had some left over papers frm mon to wed... weren't so bad i guess.... wed was a day to rmb manz.... bio mcq = last paper.... after handing in paper... everyone happy happy.... then suddenly.... "eerr.... ok... can all bio students make ur way to LT2.... we haf to check ur scripts..." manz.... dat waz the most well-placed anti-climax i haf EVER came across in my entire life (so far)... well... abt the scripts.... dun ask...

so niway off with boring exams n on with fun stuff... went to sentosa on thursday... supposed to be a class outing.... but sudden;y turned out to be a guyz day out... wasn't too fond of it at first coz i waz expected a "class" gathering... but in the end... turned out not too badly... had a realli dark tan.... a gd swim... blistering hot sand... n learnt how to play bridge! wow.... wouldn't imagine being able to learn dat with a big crowd.... but anyway.... had steamboat dinner... some of the gerz came along... wasn't too bad.... thankful dat i chose "ah-peh" liang teh over "eeeew..." "kiwi" juice.... played some arcade.... overshot budget for arcade... but all in the name of fun n slackiness b4 the nxt week arrives...

friday waz fun.... met up with almost the entire g force again after sooooo long.... had a solid 4 hrs of LAN... haha... nv played so long for a long time.. haha... wonderful dayz... blew 10 bucks on LAN... but all in the name of fun n slackiness!! then went to plaza sing(h) to meet ben n jerm.... blew anotehr 15 over bucks on dinner... all in the name of fun n slackiness again... n played arcade after dat all in the name of fun n slackiness once more... haha...

well niway made it baq to YPG on saturdayz again..... sooo happy... been missing it for 2 weeks alreadi... last week waz my salah... haha... niway the msg during ypg waz preached for so many times alreadi.... but still itz a gd msg to preach.... itz abt bearing witness... somethign like sharing with others ur faith... i guess wat i learnt waz dat our part is to share with others abt wat we haf experienced frm God.... a tthe same time itz not our job to persuade n convince other ppl to believe... i find dat point veri relevant to us as Christians because everytime we wanna share our faith with someone... we're always concerned with whether the person at the opp end will accept wat we're sharing with them or not... i guess i feel dat way oso bcoz i haf dis incessant fear of ppl tinking i'm boring n silly to talk abt dis kinda stuff.... but another point noted is dat itz not abt myself when i share... itz abt God n i shldn't be bothered abt wat otehr ppl tink of me when i genuinely share abt my faith...

well i guess it all comes with practice.... can learn abt these truths but still wun be able to get over it unless i try it out n try to get over dat fear.... but yeah... as usual... easier said than done... but still i'll try....

had some tea thingie after the YPG session.... got to sit ard with ppl i dun usually talk to... kinda spoke with them a bit... tho not like chit-chat but yeah... itz a gd start.... shld try to talk to more ppl... but most of the time opportunities like this dun open up.... had a gd time eating n drinking n fellowshipping....

celebrated mike's bday in the evening.... was a simple event... nth bombastic or explosive but yeah... waz still gd.... tho had to eat BK again when i had eaten it the day b4.... niway thank God for frenz in church who bother to organise this kind of event for each other.... :)

niway waz tinking how God realli changes ppl juz last nite... juz a short thought but yeah... itz veri real.... at least to me.. hehe... waz tinking abt how my fren waz b4 becoming a christian n after..... drastic change...

on to sunday.... waz a gd time of meeting up with ppl in church... spoke with haran... after a looong time... if u (haran) so happen to stumble upon dis blog... juz wanna say dun worry abt it... juz carry on with wat u gotta do n entrust the rest to the Lord.... :)

juz did up me study plan with tr chung again dis afternoon... hehe... well.. guess dis rnd of exams will be the most disciplined time i ever had in my entire life... nv realli got serious abt studying in my entire life.... dis is the first time ever.... hopefully not the last... haha... juz hope it works out.... juz do my part by studying n rely on God's help for the strength datz needed but i don't haf.... *cracks knuckles n neck*

guess it hasn't been a thought-provoking n perception-changing week but juz hope i can get some new inspiration in the weeks ahead.... *crosses fingers*... itz been a long entry so i guess i'll stop here... tag me board if u've read the whole thing... achievement will be acknowledged.... ^^ so til the nxt update... cyaz~

reflections after 13 dayz of silence...

2004-09-18T17:11:00.000+08:00

eeeelllo ppl.... hehe... i'm FINALLY baq after 13 dreadful dayz... haha... i bet u all wanna know watz gg on with me life now?? eh.... guess not.. haha.. :P oh btw.... fritz: snow skin mooncakes rock man!! haha... the chewy, soft n smooooth texture is juz *SLURP*... :P~~~ n yk.... i dun tink dat would liken to *meow*....

ook... wow... itz been a hard week manz... so many papers.... so little studying... even wasted 2 DAYZ at fatty's place.... actually one but the whole of the nxt day waz spent recuperating frm killing too many silly virtual gruntz in DYNASTY WARRIORS 4! my goodness.... yk... u had to tempt me... u juz had to.... *ROAR*...

niway on with the week.... had first paper on monday (no prizes for correct guesses)... chem prac.... wasn't too bad... the onli bad part waz actually WAITING for it to start.... i mean... waiting for 2 HOURS for the official opening of the prelims is juz... juz... head-thumping... adrenaline-pumping... eh... nvm... bottomline: waiting = wrong... juz all wrong...

so yader yader yader went thru the week with boring, some overtly mentally taxing papers... even abt 1 or 2 dat r not fit for humans to do.... at least humans who nv studied.. haha.. :P aaaaaaand finally... here i am in a saturday (today)... had paper dis morning n ate breakfast out with me mom (delicious, *slurp*-worthy dim sum)... went home n napped.... n woke up at 2.30!! sighz... couldn't make it for church... sianed... so here i am trying to past time by blogging... since ppl haf been wanting me to update.. haha...

well... niway watz more meaningful behind the prelims dis week waz actually a chance to relearn wat i haf lost for almost 2 yrs.... it waz perhaps a slight renewal of my consciousness of God in the prelims.... i guess i lost dis consciousness of Him ever since i got into SAJC... hehe.... no offence to me frenz there for the first 3 months but yeah... i dun blame them... i can onli blame myself for enjoying myself too much... by ravelling in satisfying my social wants dat i haf forgotten abt bringing God into my life... n ever since then it waz a downward spiral.... relatively bad O's results... not getting to sch of choice (SOC?? haha.. :P)... events juz took a turn for the worst.... or so i thought then...

itz been a hard 1 yr for me last yr... trying to get to grips with not getting baq into my SOC... at the same time adapting to the whole new world of NYJC... while wishing i had been posted to CJ instead where all my frenz are... it got quite bad.... but thank God i didn't turn into a veri bitter hearted person... i waz juz... i dun tink depressed but juz demoralised... itz times like these dat i tend to wallow in self-pity n turn into a self-centered freak questioning the veri existence of L1R5 limits to entrance to a JC... itz dis self-centeredness dat, i tink, killed my sensitivity to God....

then one yr has past... on to 2004... where i juz recovered from pulling out of this silly little "trauma" if u may call it... itz been another tough 8 months... not so much socially (i tink i'm better off socially instead...) as spiritually.... finding new frenz in itself is not a bad thing.... but i guess the self-centeredness stuck onto to me for most part of the 8 months... even tho i tried renewing dis consciousness of God in my life by trying to pick up doing my quiet time again... it juz didn't do the trick....

not until this week.... i find dat i'm actually conscious of God at the start of everyday n before the start of most of the papers... n i'm happy for myself because of dat... i'm happy dat i dun haf to force myself to remember to pray b4 every paper n thus making it look like a chore or ritual to do dat... i'm happy dat at least i'm slightly baq on track in my journey of life with God...

i guess, for now, good grades aren't so much of a concern for me.... not because i'm sooper confident dat i'll get them.. but because i found something better.... something dat wun last me onli for dis silly exam or the nxt... but for life... i'm confident dat dis consciousness of God in my life will help me get thru many of life's little hiccups as well as "traumas"... anyway the grades for prelims wun realli matter for entrance to uni yah?? haha.. :P

well... mentioned earlier dat i thought getting into NY waz a bad thing... truth is i didn't realli fancy the idea of gg frm a so-called "english" school to another so-called "cheena" sch at first... but after one full yr of getting to know the culture n the people there... my verdict is, which btw has been endorsed by mr handsome n mr tee, "it doesn't matter which sch u're in... watz more impt is the ppl whom u meet n interact with everyday in sch"...

frankly speaking... i still dun like the way NY is being run... but i dun care.. as long as my frenz n teachers aren't all (n i emphasise ALL) bitches i'm fine... doesn't matter if i'm in SA or NJ... itz the ppl who r with u dat matters... n i find dat me classmates r a veri colourful bunch of ppl n there's no place else where u can get a similar chemistry of ppl....

if i had been posted to my SOC... or if i had accepted the approved appeal into my SOC... i would NEVER EVER have learnt these lessons n i will NEVER be exposed to such a diverse range of characters like me classmates... everyday is interesting with all the silly antics n dialogue among ourselves.... these moments r priceless... i'm sure most of u ppl can identify with wat i'm saying... coz each class in each school has itz own unique chemistry... n i haf God to thank for allowing me to learnt these wonderful lessons...

well.. itz been a loooong entry.... been at it for 1.5 hrs!! woah.. haha... but yeah... itz been a wonderful time of reflection n i'm more content with my current state in life now.... hehe... well... guess i shld stop here... so til the nxt entry... cyaz~.. ^^

PS: if u managed to read to the end of the entry, give urself a pat on the back n tag me board.... ur achievement will be acknowledged.. haha... n i'm tinking of changing the layout of me blog... so if anyone has any suggestions pls tag me or tell me in preson or something... juz let me know.. haha.. :D cheers...

pep talk for the weary... (coz of studies.. hehe)

2004-09-05T20:52:00.000+08:00

heyoz.... juz thought i'll post me thoughts here todae.... juz so dat i wun forget.... interesting thought todae tho... realli helps with decision making n perhaps even as some form of motivation.. hehe..

well.. niway wun be talking abt the daily bread devotionals todae.... instead will be talkin abt something thought frm sunday sch in the morning.... well.. itz taken frm Philippians 1:10... namely the first part of the verse: "...that u may approve the things that r excellent..."

"approve" here (according to some reference) means testing a metal... context here is we shld discern between wat we shld be doing n wat we wanna do but isn't so gd for us.... n continueing on with the rest of the part of the verse... we shld be doing things dat r EXCELLENT for us... n of course is approving to God.... as seen here....

i waz tinking maybe i shld be using dat as me form of motivation to study.... doing wat is best for myself so as to make the best of me life n do something dat's approving to God... well... i guess studying's approving to God... coz studying's a form of doing something gd with ur life n preparing u to do stuff datz relevant in ur life in future... i shall learn to be diligent... haven't been for most if not all of me life... so will start now at least.. hehe..

i appreciate the point dat discernment is not juz looking at watz good n watz bad.... itz in fact looking at watz better n watz best for ourselves... and choosing watz excellent for us in life... i guess i always had a shallow view of wat discernment is.... today's chairing in sunday sch was a real eye-opener...

oh well... itz been gd pondering over this stuff.... n i feel motivated to study all over again.. haha... gd gd.... weekends help make my week... itz the week dat spoils itself.... wateva dat means.. haha.. :P

niway will strive to make advancements in bite-sized technology.... so til the nxt entry.... cya... ^^

fren flen fwenzzz..... again....

2004-09-03T20:34:00.000+08:00

heyoz.... another sporadic post.... will try to keep it short... gotta clear up the guilt of not studying enuff todae b4 gg out.. haha.. :P

anyway as usual will be talkin abt today's post.... n guess wat?? itz abt frenz again... haha..

will be talking abt different stuff abt frenship.... go n read the devotional.... i tink we all haf met some person or ppl like dat in the devotional b4.... i know i haf.... another of me sad memories of shenzhen, china... *sighz...*

i dunno but do u sometimes feel dat some ppl ard u r juz ur frenz bcoz they dun want u to feel bad by leaving u out of the grp? frankly speaking i do feel dat way sometimes.... but as usual... i feel dat wat ppl do ard u is out of control... but wat u do is totally in ur control... so i tink we shld be a genuine fren to all ard us... tho sometimes realistically speaking itz hard to be dat way.... but as most things in life... we need an ideal situation dat most of the time is impossible to attain as a form of goal to work towards to.... perfect competition in economics is a perfect example.... pun intended or not... u decide....

well... sometimes itz hard to be dat fren oso bcoz ppl dun want u to be part of their grp.... well in dat case... i guess dun force urself in... go somewhere else where u're appreciated... again another ideal situation coz sometimes the ego in us makes us want to be part of the "in" grp... nth wrong in dat.... but i guess we shld know our place in dis veri big world.... we can't be everywhere we want to be sometimes... sometimes we get into the grp sometimes we don't...

niway promised to make dis short.. hehe... i tink itz almost reaching the highest limit for bite-sized techonology.... but anyway lesson learnt: ALWAYS cherish ur frenz ard u... u'll nv know when they'll go.... sometimes forever.... i learnt it the slightly harder way.. dun go the same path.... so til the nxt entry.... cyaz~

slightly longer todae.. hehe...

2004-09-01T22:08:00.000+08:00

heyoz.... had a bad nite last nite.... so didn't realli update.. hehe... paiseh.... now updates becoming more n more sporadic.... *more incentive to drop by everyday... kekeke.. :P*

well... anyway as usual... will talk abt todae's reading.... but b4 dat... haf to put dis as a record... i started studying todae.... which makes it a new record... the previous record waz one week b4 the exams... *the book is on the table...*

okok.. on to today's reading... so sorry dat the previous links were to the bible verses.... i suddenly figured dat linking to the actual daily bread entry would be more relevant.. haha... *silly me...*

anyway today's reading is veri relevant coz it involves frenship n relationships with ppl ard us.... quite frankly speaking.... i tink i'm closer to me frenz outside church than those in church.... maybe itz the age grp thingie.... but the fact is dat.... veri often i tink to myself whether i shld keep at dat or whether i shld get to know the ppl in church better.... but today's reading has been something i pondered over before.... dat those feeling well dun haf to be healed but those who r sick....

well.. itz doesn't mean dat i dun get any frenz in church but i guess i wouldn't be much help if i made frenz more with ppl in church than with ppl outside of chruch who realli need a fren... but y do i bother to mix ard with ppl who r non-Christians? coz i wanna break dat stigma dat Christians r bounded by do's n don'ts n bcoz of dat we r different frm everyone else... heh... in fact we could wateva we wanted n still get away with it.... coz we're not bounded by any law or rules...

the thing is we CHOSE to live the way we live... to live in a way dat is moral n upright in God's eyes.... we can go ard havocing n sinning all we want n God can do nothing abt it coz our sins haf been forgiven thru Jesus death on the cross... i may not be exemplary but i do try my best to live in a way dat i wun grieve God....at the same time i dun wanna be a bigot (new word?? check the dictionary... ^^) n condemn everyone to hell coz i know God has saved me n i'm gg to heaven anyway... i'm a sinner like everyone else.... onli diff is dat i try to live in the way God wants me to live.... to be someone who is of use to Him....

well... i juz hope dat in the process of befriending non-believers... i'll be able to convince them to Christianity.... but yeah.. i guess i gotta brush up on me life first... takes time but i hope i will get to dat point some time soon....

ok... guess dis is a deprovement frm bite-sized technology.. haha... oh well... guess i haf many thoughts on dis.... but nvm.. i'll juz end here.... so cya on the nxt entry... ^^

change is not the only constant yah?

2004-08-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

hehe... been awhile since i updated.... paiseh arz.... veri sporadic nowsadays.... lazy larz... *shrugz*....

well... anyway... i guess i'll try to make another quantum leap in bite-sized technology todae.... but of coz.... we wun be missing today's reading!!! hehe...

today's reading has 2 realli nice verses dat i like veri much.... verse 28 is a verse dat i personally use a lot.... during times when thingz dun seem to go the way dat u want them to.... or when thingz ard u juz dun work out in general.... knowing dat all this kind of problems n realli hair-wrenching experiences r not all for nothing.... but instead itz the way in which God uses to mould to become the person He wants us to be.... n amidst all those troubles He still cares for us.... tho sometimes we juz feel so remote n alone...

verses 38 n 39 r veri special verses.... it is those times when u're feeling realli crappy abt urself n u tink u're juz not gd enuff to be called God's child or to be considered a Christian when dis verse can realli encourage u... there's this list of things dat can go between u n another person n an earthly relationship.... thingz like death.... or beliefs.... or worries.... or current disagreements.... but we know dat Christ is beyond all dat.... doesn't matter wat it is.... be it tangible or intangible.... all thingz dat r created cannot stand between Christ n us thru His love for us....

niway there's dis song i sang in church dat encompasses wat i'm trying to say today.... cool lyrics.... can ask me for the mp3 if u want.... kekeke... *piracy is gd....* oh yah... credit to sam n co who intro-ed the song to everyone... hehe...

Jesus Will Still Be There
Things change, plans fail,
you look for love on a grander scale.
Storms rise, hopes fade,
and you place your bets on another day.
When the going gets tough when the ride's too rough,
when you're just not sure enough...

*Chorus*
Jesus will still be there,
His love will never change, sure as a steady rain
Jesus will still be there,
when no one else is true, He'll still be loving you
When it feels like you've lost it all and you haven't got a prayer,
Jesus will still be there...

Time flies, hearts turn,
a little bit wiser from lessons learnt.
But sometimes, weakness wins,
and you lose your foothold once again.
When the going gets tough when the ride's too rough,
When you're just not sure enough...

*Chorus* x2

When it looks like you've lost it all,
and you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there....
-Sung by "Point of Grace"

be a coffee bean.... tea leaf if u wanna....

2004-08-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

hey ppl.... so sorry i haven't updated for some time.... waz feeling tired n lazy the past couple of days.... didn't even do any hw.... bad.... veri bad...

anyway dun tink i'll write abt the QT for the past few dayz.... i guess i'll juz pick the topic for discussion frm one of the QT's i done for the past few dayz dat i haven't updated... niway dun tink i'll talk abt todae's reading... itz so... sad n serious... shld talk abt something more uplifting.... yesterday's QT... it also has another reading relating to it.... read both... shld give u a better picture of wat i'll talk abt todae...

anyway todae's topic is abt frenz.... well... how would u define a fren... or who would u consider a fren.... interesting thing to tink abt.... izzit someone whom u talk to all the time..... or someone who u interact with everyday (e.g. in sch or at work)... or izzit someone who helps u whenever u need help n he/she's the first person u ask for help/advice whenever something problem crops up... well... gg by todae's reading.. how abt one who loves u for who u are.... who becomes a brother/sister to u... who helps u in ur worsest of situations....

"A friend loves at all times,
And a brother is born for adversity."

personally... i tink i dun haf such frenz... n to find such frenz is as hard as finding a coffee bean in a haystack.... itz not exactly impossible.... but still veri hard.... well.. perhaps u haf a different view.... if u do pls tag me board... ^^

well... with dat said.... i tink wat we can do is to try our best to be dat coffee bean to others.... to be dat fren who actually loves the ppl ard u.... not "romantic" kinda love but love as a fren.... even better if u can be a brother/sister to someone else.... i tink brotherly/sisterly love is a veri special thing.... n itz especially so when itz between ppl who r juz frenz n r TOTALLY not related in anyway by bloodline except thru Adam n Eve.... haha...

Bottomline: "Be a coffee bean today.... you'll never know who you'll perk up when you're picked out from the haystack..."

ok... another leap in "bite-sized" technology..... so i guess i'll sign off here.... cya again in the nxt entry..... ^^

bite sized entry.... latest development...

2004-08-24T19:00:00.000+08:00

juz thought i'll juz post a little earlier so dat i can (hopefully) get down to some work..... hehe...

niway... as usual.... topic of discussion is today's QT.... itz abt being lonely but not being alone.... cool deep stuff.... aniway juz to side track a bit... i promise today's entry will be bite sized for easy reading but i hope dat will not result in having less food for thought or deep stuff to tink abt... if me entries have not been providing food for thought ever since the blog started.... then i deeply apologise for not tickling ur mind coz i'm trying as far as me maturity n experience in life can take me....

phew... ok... dat waz a long side track.... anyway baq to today's reading.... itz another encouraging reading.... especially when (i guess) most ppl can identify with this kinda loneliness... in this reading Jesus waz talking abt being TOTALLY abandoned with no one at his side when he waz arrested at Gethsemane... but still He waz conscious dat He waz not alone.... coz God waz with Him...

well.. maybe some will tink "hey.... i haf my frenz.. my family... my colleagues... all these ppl r ard me all the time! how would dis apply to me?? i'm hardly lonely.." well... everyone has moments when they're lonely... be it in ur room... or in the smelly toilet cubicle.... or when u lay on ur bed at night.... it is in these moments dat sometimes dis feeling of loneliness juz creeps into ur mind for no rhyme or reason... at dat time perhaps ur frenz n family wun be awake to talk to u or if u're in the toilet.... it'll be strange to talk to ppl in the nxt cubicle yah? hehe.. :P

then maybe some will tink "being alone means being alone.... wat do u mean when i'm lonely i'm not alone??? doesn't make ~~cents~~ sense...." well... God's presence is best felt when u're alone.... when there's no one to bug u or chat with u.... when itz juz thou, thyself and you (couldn't tink of any other way to put it... :P)... when u juz pray n reflect on ur day.. or ur problems.... or wat u've enjoyed for the day... or wateva... juz having someone to talk to when u're all alone.... might sound zi4 bi4 but hey.... it works for me.... aniway somehow the loneliness will juz fade away.... ok maybe talking to someone who doesn't reply might sound silly... but u know... as u get to know the bible better... God may speak to u thru verses dat u haf come across or even memorised at a point of time.... itz interesting... ^^

well.. guess i'll juz talk abt dis today.... hopefully dis is bite sized enuff.. hehe.. if u tink there's a compromise in content.... juz tag me board.... i'm open to comments... ^^ so til the nxt entry.... bye... :)

a short(er) entry... :P

2004-08-23T18:50:00.000+08:00

well.. another day of another week... meaning it'll be 2-3 weeks to the prelims!! man.... time realli flies.... n i haven't realli gotten down to studying when EVERYONE else is..... dis is bad.... veri veri bad...

niway todae waz a tiring day.... woke up veri tired AGAIN.... dunno watz wrong with me... izzit bcoz of the lack of exercise or izzit coz of the burden of waking up to another torturous week of sch.... i wouldn't know.... well... i guess all dat matters is dat God knows n all i haf to do is trust in Him...

well.. today's QT is again veri applicable not juz for today... but for the past few yrs of my life.... today's reading (editted: 24/8/04... salah siaz... dat dayz reading on something else... muz haf been too tired... :P) has been something dat i haf been trying to understand for a looong time... ok sure... strength in weakness.... it means dat God will provide strength when u haf reached ur finite physical/mental/spiritual limit or u haf some lack of aptitude dat u're workin on reeeal hard.... but wat does it REALLI mean to haf strength in weakness??

i'm not struggling with the fact dat God does give strength in weakness.... wat i dun understand is how can it be applied in my life.... itz like i dun realli see the reality of it.... ok.. perhaps being tired n getting thru the day is one form of it.... but i see dis strength dat the passage is talking abt as in REAL LASTING strength.... strength dat will allow me to overcome dis problem of tiredness n laziness n lethargy once n for all..... perhaps i'm not getting the point of dis passage but yeah... i'm still learning n i'm open to any enlightenment on dis matter.... juz thought i'll bring dis up in case some of u might haf the same thought as well... then we can start some discussion on it on the tagboard or something.. i dunno.. hehe... but if u can help enlighten me/us in anyway... juz leave a note on the flooble.... dat will be veri much appreciated.... ^^

anyway.... came across dis passage when me mum passed me one the devotionals she had yesterday..... n itz a veri encouraging passage... especially verses 2 and 4...in the midst of these "difficult times" -quote yh- verse 2 speaks of not being overcomed by difficulties along the way of life.... i guess i'll haf to deepen my trust in the Lord coz i reeeealli feel burdened n subdued by all the thingz i need to do in sch n in church.... which shldn't be the way....

verse 4 to me is veri special.... it feels gd to be told dat i'm "precious" in God's sight.... *thankfully not Smeagle's sight.. kekekeke...* n i am loved.... everyone needs to be loved but love frm a supreme being realli is..... special.... well... itz more than special but juz can't find the word now.. haha... i especially like the last part.... "therefore i will give men for you, and ppl for ur life"... itz a nice thought to know dat all the ppl who haf helped us in life n all the frenz who picked us up when we're realli down haf ALL been provided by God to help us thru dis tough journey of life....

well.. itz a relatively short entry but i guess itz better to haf a short meaningful entry than a loooong entry datz trying to "squeeze water out of a rock"... also juz thought dat i'll end dis entry on a happier note... ^^ well.. tho i'm tired going thru these verses again realli lifts the burdensome-ness(?) of the day frm the heart.... feel so motivated to do work again.. haha... thank God for dat... ^^ maybe i'll end with a poem frm the church anniversary bulletin... talks abt appreciating God in nature n the way thingz are... enjoy.. ^^

We Thank You
for the never-failing promise of the seed;
for the lush-laden offering of the fruit tree.
for the quiet simplicity of the prairie,
for the royal majesty of the mountain;
for the immeasureable space; unfathomable time.
For all these, O God, an inexpressible gratitude floods our being.

-Marvin J. and Madelyn Hartman

Time for changes...

2004-08-22T19:35:00.000+08:00

heya ppl.... juz woke up frm another urgently needed nap.... niway didn't post yesterday coz of the dinner thingie... got baq quite late..... waz tired.... sighz... hate being tired....

anyway dis blog is gonna undergo some reforms.... not aesthetically tho... but the format of posts is gonna change.... well... i'm gonna talk abt religion all i want here... itz MY blog... so to u so-called self-proclaimed "aethists" who haf a problem with me blogging abt religion... read on or exit here... coz dis is MY blog n here.... u're in MY world.... so if u haf problems with dat... tough... *shrugz*

oooook.... with structural change comes structural unemployment.... so pls excuse me if the entry isn't as gd....

well anyway yesterday me church celebrated itz 31st anniversary... *happy new yr*... it waz a gd time to see the whole church family coming together to participate in dis occassion.... n also a gd time to meet up with our fellow brethren frm overseas... itz been 15 yrs of missions work n as said b4... missions is worth it... anytime.... didn't haf time to catch up with the ppl frm overseas tho.... too many ppl and too much gd stuff to eat... haha... well... went home zonked out n juz plonked on the bed after bathing....

sunday sunday... woke up late todae!! sighz.... oh well... at least made it to church juz in time i guess.... watched a short clip on amy carmichael.... some missionary woman who did a lot of stuff in india... most well-known for her sortof "orphanage" in india where abandoned indian girls r brought to to seek refuge.... veri nice place to live in... plenty of greenery n beautiful architecture.... but yeah... the clip demonstrated wat God could do with one life... dat it may touch the lives of hundreds of ppl...

well... dis got me tinking... "i'm not outstanding like dat amy carmichael person.... so wat can God do with my life??"... such thoughts come to me oh so oftenly... but somehow dis time it got to me.... i didn't know wat i'm living for... for myself? yeah sure... there r many thing i can do for myself.... y not take drugz n juz wreck myself?? doing stuff for myself oso needs a direction..... n sad to say i've been rather directionless.... drifting ard with the flow of time... not knowing wat i'm doing with my life....

well... mum always has a gd way of helping me put stuff in perspective.... thank God for a gd discerning mum who juz knows how to get stuff across... well.. wasn't a scolding but still waz effective.. haha.. anyway i guess now i shld realli strip my life down to the bare essentials n try to keep the little extras in my life out of my life for the moment.... i've got too many thingz dat realli clutter up my life... esp those 2 dreaded thingz called SCHOOL n EXAMS... irksome.... but yeah... i guess my life has to revolve ard building dis personal relationship with God first.... as well as doing wat i can do for sch.... i guess my life so far has spun out of focus with the many thingz i haf to focus on.... it has come to a point of having no focus at all... juz living my life a day at a time doing wateva is thrown at me....

itz time to shape up n shake off the junk..... need to realli take some timeout to get down to seeing wateva i can shake off in my life.... i need to focus on a direction in life.... and with dat to eventually find my place in God's big plan in many years to come....

hmm... another area i gotta start developing is my prayer life.... frankly speaking i haven't been praying much for my past 18 yrs of my life.... as i haf thought abt b4.... i tink i'm a result of my parents' prayers.... if not for their prayers i wouldn't haf become who i am today.... i tink i would haf become a veeeri bitter person... i wun want dat too.... but now i tink itz the time for me to embark on my own journey of prayer.... coz "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"... n itz veri appropriate for me to start in my small way now... itz gonna be tough.... haf tried it for awhile b4... but now itz a commitment i haf to put down for life.... guess i gotta start with a little prayer book to write down wat i wanna pray for... i tend to forget.. hehe.. :P

well... i've been lamenting over my sad life for the past few months but today's talk with mum realli woke me up to a bigger perspective of thingz.... having been reaffirmed in easter.... i haf committed my life to God... n itz up to Him wat He wants to do with it.... there r a few verses in Hebrews 12 dat realli reminds me of wat i haf gotten myself into (verses 7-11)... *ding dong* take some time to read it... itz meaningful stuff....having been reaffirmed n considered a "son of God"... i guess datz wat i haf to go thru now.... but yeah... guess these verses in James 1:2-4 sum up wat my mindset shld be with all these crap coming up in my life....

well... i wun apologise for the constant bombardment of bible verses.... itz fun to find something datz not juz in the bible for the sake of looking oh so cheem n sophisticated but itz applicable in life n actually works.... so yeah... pls take some time to read those verses if u can spare some time....

well.. i dis entry's been veeeri long.... guess i shld sign off for now... if u haf read the entire entry pls tag me flooble.... u'll be given due acknowledgement for ur achievement.. hahaha... :P so til the nxt entry... hasta la vista... baby.... :P

AVP = Altogether Veri Pathetic....

2004-08-20T19:43:00.000+08:00

today waz a cool day.. literally.... rained like crazy.... thankfully waz indoors.... haha...

well... took some time off the usual schedule of travelling between sch n home today.... went to watch AVP with jq, tan wj n wee lee.... chiong frm sch when lesson ended to catch the 3pm show at bishan... waz realli silly coz we got there 30 mins b4 the show n there were more than enuff seats available.... niway bought the tix n felt quite contented.... wandered ard j8 for awhile to kill the time.... went into the cinema feeling reeeeeal excited n watched the show.... many many sec sch kiddies ard.... been there done dat.. haha...

i muz say... the show waz a total disappointment.... it juz makes use of the fame dat the creators n directors of "alien" n "predator" haf worked soooo hard to attain to attract ppl to watch it.... all we get is some half past six effort where the storyline is totally pathetic n the onli gd thing abt it waz the com graphics... datz abt it... the storyline n setting is juz some sorry excuse for putting humanz, predators n aliens into an arena n then kick off a visually spectacular battle royale.... i bet the story writers forced in the whole pyramid morphing thingie juz to make the show different frm other shows.... datz it.... the ending waz totally pathetic.... as the chinese say.. "haf head dun haf tail".... n it waz so darn obvious they were poising for a sequel.... guess wat?? i dun see dat coming b4 humans go extinct....

anyway... wun wanna dwell too much on dis show... itz such a let down n waste of money.... kudos to tee who caught collateral (i tink)... hehe.... would watch dat anytime.... ^^

ok.. on to today's matter of discussion.... QT today is one of those entries where, to me, there's veri little link between the passage and the discussion in the devotional.... but still gd nonetheless.... well.. i guess there's more to talk abt in the passage than in the discussion in the devotional...

itz veri interesting wat the tongue can do.... besides french.. haha.. :P but seriously.... wat we say can be either veri destructive or veri constructive.... the power of speech is veri potent... as seen in the passage... the mouth, tho small, can still haf the power to direct thingz... juz like how the small rudder of a ship changes the direction of the ENTIRE ship.... we see dat power all the time.... like how hitler psychoed the germans to murder millions.... or how bush psychoed the americans to support the iraq war..... or perhaps on a more positive side.... we see maaaany examples of great ppl being encouraged by others when they're down n out n they're able to achieve great things.... take helen keller for example.... she used to throw a veri bad tandrum all the time when she lost her sight, hearing n ability to speak.... it waz her teacher mrs sullivan who waz veri patient with her n i bet she spoke to her a lot... encouraging helen to gain some confidence in herself despite all of her disabilities.... then we see helen keller setting up schs for the blind n other great thingz dat i totally forgot.. haha.. :P but still the example is there.... without this positive power of speech... helen keller would not haf done wat she had done....

well.. going further down in the passage... there's something abt how we shld be more decisive on how we want to communicate with others... we can either be veri bitter n resentful n curse others.... or we can be the lights in the world to brighten up someone's day.... well... rationally we would choose to be dat special someone to others.... but frankly speaking itz veri hard to practice such a discipline...

we're able to say nice thingz abt our frenz or family members.... then we're like the aforementioned spring dat bringz forth sweet water.... but when we go out n we see ppl we dun like... we start saying bad thingz abt them.... sometimes even insulting them... then we're like dat spring dat bringz forth bitter water... therein is the difficulty... but itz a nice challenge.... to be nice to ppl all the way.... may sound faggoty but I DUN CARE.... it works for me....

well... shldn't be giving a mini-sermon here.... haf had complains alreadi... haha... but nonetheless itz MY blog n i write wateva i want.. haha... i'll juz make it more convenient for u ppl to read it.... wonder y ppl dun like to talk abt issues pertaining to religion.... well... i guess i'll leave it to another entry coz i seriously dunno the answer.... gotta go out there n find out for myself.... i guess the entry's kinda long.. so i'll stop here.. hehe... so til the nxt entry.... poyitu varen...

the ego strikes baq....

2004-08-19T19:28:00.000+08:00

hmm... was quite a wasted evening today.. hehe... couldn't control the urge to play Call of Duty again.... but thankfully could actually stop.. hahaha.... *slaps myself*

well... slept reeeal early dis morning.... therefore the after-effects are rhetorical.... haha... but wasn't late.... dis whole week i wazn't on the brink of being late so far... datz a miracle in itself....

well... today waz quite an ordinary day.... tho at some point of time during the morning break the tension got reeeeeal high.... a fite almost started in sch.... again a testiment to the "appealing advertisement to the huge elitist ego".... well.. if those who were involved r reading dis now... i dun mean to offend u in any way.... juz posting my honest thoughts on the issue... not the ppl involved...

anyway... guyz being guyz.... we all haf some lvl of ego.... most high some low.... but in any case some lvl.... conflicts usually start when 2 with relatively high ego's bump into each other.... both figuratively n literally.... itz like 2 particles of the same charge colliding with each other.... the reaction following the collision is humungous or even explosive to say the least.... the problem usually arises when no one wants to give way n the situation escalates to one of almost aggression....

well... an ego in itself is nth wrong.... everyone needs some ego.... itz part of cultivating confidence in urself.... healthy kind of self-esteem dat would allow u to confidently channel positive energies to constructive uses.... frankly speaking.... someone with no or insufficient self-esteem is realli juz a useless person who doesn't haf the drive to achieve anything in life bcoz of fear of incompetence... there.... so ego does haf some importance.....

BUT~~~!!! but but but but but...... once again.... most ppl do not know where or even how to draw the line between healthy n unhealthy egoism.... n seriously.... itz hard to draw dat line.... everyone has different lvl's of tolerance for each other.... at most times.... ego is inversely proportional to tolerance.... one of the challenges in life is to find dat universally acceptable lvl of egoism datz within the tolerance lvl of a majority of or even ALL ppl....

wow... itz hard to post something on an issue like dis.... i usually try to avoid stepping on other ppl's toes..... brings more trouble than anything else... n being the lazy person i am... i'll be too unmotivated to clear it up... which won't be gd.... but still.... maybe i may step on ur toes without me knowing.... so i'll juz apologise here for whichever incident if i did so.... i'm still on the quest to finding dat universally acceptable lvl of egoism... n i admit i do make mistakes.... so there... ^^

well... besides this particular issue.... i guess i haf nth much else to say abt todae... well... todae's QT is on the constant availability of God's grace to all who walk uprightly.... i guess i realli need dat especially in my current circumstances.... always being tired out lately for some unknown reason.... but still tho i slept reeeal early dis morning... waz still able to go thru the day not being too dead... well.. i guess datz a realli simple example of grace.... n to mb: i apologise for not being a dead fish... the guarantee didn't work.. haha...

ok... i guess i shall end here... til the nxt entry.... Proshyai...

reflections frm a guy who juz woke up....

2004-08-18T20:47:00.000+08:00

juz woke up frm a urgently needed nap.... sch's tough...

well... woke up crawling out of bed again.... wed's the usual "almost late for sch" day... dunno y dat always happens.... it juz some "magical" thing about wednesdays....

nth much to write about todae.... maybe itz bcoz i juz woke up frm a nap.. haha.. if i can tink of anything i'll juz post again later......

well... today's QT is abt the interdependence of the church regarding each member of the church... well.. i don't tink itz juz the church... i tink every single organisation requires dat to function properly.... problem is... everyone's so caught up with themselves dat they dun see y they shld be dependent or y they shld be helping each other out... everywhere u hear the sad reality of back stabbing... curry favouring... blah blah blah... all dat nonsense.... but u know wat?? all these juz make interdependence in an organisation sound like perfect competition in the microeconomy... for those who dun do econz.... it means dat it makes interedependence juz a pipe dream.... an expectation of an organisation dat wouldn't happen in reality.... such is life n dat juz sux to me....

i tink the main root of the problem is pride.... as mentioned earlier ppl r too caught up with themselves to care abt others... be it whether they're working hard enuff to get the boss' attention for a promotion.... or be it studying n playing so hard dat u dun see someone nxt to u who realli needs help.... dis problem of pride is rife with examples.... n for one simple reason.... itz found everywhere!! call it human nature or wateva... dat much i accept... but such prideful tendencies CAN be suppressed... they say the sex drive is of human nature.... itz an "animal instinct" found in everyone.... well in guyz at least... haha.. anyway if dis "instinct" weren't suppressed u'll see everyone raping everyone else...

i tink itz not bcoz such pride cannot be suppressed but instead.... no one wants to do anything abt it.... it feels good to be bursting with self-esteem n proclaiming to others "hey! i'm the best! all the rest of u can go fly ur pathetic kites!"... with dat statement comes a sense of power.... an appealing advertisement to the huge elitist ego found in every human heart.... of course dis doesn't mean dat everyone shld go "hey man... i totally suck.... dun ask me to do anything bcoz i juz plain suck..." we need a certain lvl of self-esteem but like most thingz in life... a line has to be drawn....

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i guess datz all i haf to say abt dat.... i muz say dat it waz quite a long discussion(?) on dis topic of interdependence.... haha... well... dun see much of it ard so juz tot i'll comment on it... dun tink it'll make much of a diff tho.... the problem will always stay....

woah... been at dis entry for 1 hr now.. haha... deeep stuff... but i guess we need to tink abt such issues once in awhile.... anyway baq to todae... can onli rmb maths test.. haha... it waz not too gd.... but not too bad as well.... feels kinda farny when u know u're there but not there at the same time... haha... ("there" meaning at the passing level) thankfully waz able to do some integration to at least get some sympathy marks.. haha... thx again to ben for helping me out the nite b4 with some SIMPLE integration.... yesterday waz bad manz.... didn't even know how to integrate x^-3!! but yesterday waz yesterday.. haha... thankfully they stay dat way...

well... datz all i haf to say abt today... if i can tink of something else to talk abt i'll juz post later.... so til the nxt entry... xaire...

Acid nightmares....

2004-08-17T16:05:00.000+08:00

phew... today waz another tough day.. hehe... reeealli tired n dazed now... somehow feel awake but still.... mind doesn't seem to be working properly...

day started out not too badly... onli dat i woke up at 6.50 n rushed me butt off to sch.. haha... still had time to do a bit of quiet time (QT) in the car tho.... today's devotional waz... quite intrigueingly... rather similar to me previous blog entry.. hehe... can go check it out here... juz click on today's date.... itz juz an online copy of the devotional i'm using for QT... anywayz.... again i'm reminded of relying on God instead of self.... well... to actually practice dis is actually kinda hard esp when u're caught up with the activities for the day....

niway had another "sprinkling" of "divine intervention" today.. haha... i waz not late for sch!!! haha... so interesting... the traffic lights were at the right colour at the right time.. haha... no chance dat all these happen by chance to me.. haha..

anyway the day started off not too badly... had gp n fernandez had her occassional bitz of humour.... she wasn't as bad as the beginning of the yr... dat time she waz realli.... irksome(?)... haha.... went thru compre... cheem stuffz..

had a slack slack PE lesson n the usual booooring dose of econz... then came chem prac! the highlight of the day... coz it waz the lowest point of the day.. haha... everythign waz wrong with me at chem prac.... can't realli explain y... it juz.... happened.... :/

started off the titration experiment in a mess... first titration forgot to add some stuff n emptied me whole burette into me conical flask while trying to look out for something dat wouldn't happen.... second titration waz alright.... n the thrid waz a nightmare... poured KI in.... then went to grab the measuring cylinder for the dilute sulphuric acid.... brought it to myself... knocked down the bottle of acid n spilled alllll over the table.... worksheet waz acidified... shirt n pants wet.... a little went into the mouth.... yuck.... rinsed me mouth like crazy n almost spilled some starch solution again.... grrr.... n then.... me thigh started getting itchy coz of the acid thingie on me pants.... itz the worst prac i ever done in my ENTIRE LIFE!! i waz/am in a veeeri sour mood.... wiped up me table n continued.... did the last titration n never touched any of the stuff EVER again....

second experiment wasn't any better.... had to weigh solid stuffz.... weighed too much for the first time.... had to redo.... then weighed too little on the second time!! itz like... it went frm one extreme to the other.... itz veri draining to do a prac when everything juz goes wrong.... *roar*... so juz copied readings frm other ppl n did all the claculation n juz got over with it...

tink itz over?? no mercy manz.... when cleaning up the stuffz.... waz capping the bottles for all the substances... then my "gd 'o fren" mr dil. sulphuric acid came along.... i tested the lid for the bottle of dil. sulphuric acid n found it waz quite tight.... well... i guess i gotta redefine wat tight is.... coz when i grabbed the lid n held it up the bottle juz dropped again.... thankfully the bottle waz already mostly emptied frm the first spill but still some spilled on the floor n table.... sighz... with frenz like this.. who needs enemies??

well... juz another day dat started well but ended badly.... not angry or anything.... juz reeeealli sianed out... now i'm almost a "dead fish" -quote mb-.... anyway juz tot i'll make an entry bright n early b4 i realli become a dead fish after studying n pia-ing hw.... juz hope dat nth goes wrong at home.... so til the nxt entry.... adios....

PS: to mb... ur blog nv inspired me to start one... i waz tinking of having one b4 u even started urz.. haha...

tired siaz...

2004-08-16T19:37:00.000+08:00

woah... itz been a reeeeealli challenging day todae.... had to slog thru todae.... i'm veri thankful to haf made it thru so far tho.. hehe... niway juz tot i'll make an entry b4 i start on my hw... n hopefully revision.. haha...

well... my yesterday sortof ended dis morning.. hehe... waz done with my hw onli at abt 2 something in the wee hrs of the morning b4 i hit the sack.... waz up 4 hrs later.... waz realli tired n didn't realli tink i could go thru todae.... but as usual... the quiet time in the car nv ceases to amaze me.... itz like everytime i read an entry in the devotional for dat day... it seems to be totally relevant to my situation at dat time....

anyway read a veri familiar verse frm isaiah 40.... "and those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.. they shall mount up with wings like eagles... they shall run and not be weary... they shall walk and not faint...." whe i saw dat i waz like "wow.... zhun4 siaz".... haha... niway tho it waz a veri familiar verse dat i see all the time.... it still reminded me of my reliance on God to pull me thru the day....

well... went thru sch tired.... even felt a little depressed for awhile until dat verse popped into my mind again..... and thank God for frenz in sch too.... nv cease to perk me up even when i'm down n out.... managed to survive thru the day w/o the urge to take early leave.... haha... datz.... amazing..... haha..

i guess sometimes we're inclined to tink "hey... dis is juz normal.... to be able to survive thru the day like dat.... itz juz dat hidden cache of energy datz waiting to be released when u're almost at ur limit...." to me i know myself veri well... i know dat i could not haf gone thru the day by my strength alone.... even if i could survive thru the day i would be half dead by the end of the day.... wouldn't even haf energy to write an entry now.. haha... bottomline: not self-reliance but divne intervention....

most ppl's perception of "divine intervention" is like Moses parting the red sea or someone juz getting struck by lightning during a clear day juz after he said something sacrilegious.... to me i feel dat divine intervention can come in small ways as well.... things like being able to stay up reeeal late to finish up assignments n still be alive enuff to actually crawl out of bed the nxt morning... or juz simply juz being able to stay alive during the lesson when everyone else is more or less in the twilight zone.... i'm glad to be able to appreciate the tiny intricacies to life....

juz tot i'll write abt dis for today coz to me being able to survive the day is a tiny miracle in itself.. haha... thanks the God for the strength n the provision of gd frenz who juz brightened my day.... ^^

anyway i guess i haf ranted enuff.... if u haf read to the end of the entry... congratulations... juz tag my flooble n ur achievement will be acknowledged.. haha... (big deal... :P) anyway gtg eat dinner n STARDY.... so til the nxt entry... eh... tata(?).... ^^

it's a beautiful day...

2004-08-15T22:10:00.000+08:00

wow.... wat a wonderful day today waz.. hehe... ^^

started off the morning in church.... waz combined sunday school with the sec sch ppl... had a sharing session frm nu tong (dunno if correct spelling... haha.. :P) she's one of the staff frm the orphanage in myanmar.... dis month's theme for the church is on the work of missions... n at the same time there's the church anniversary gg on dis week so some of our overseas brethren haf come over to join us in dis celebration... itz realli great to haf them over n juz talk to them... itz oso veri interesting to know watz gg on overseas straight frm the ppl themselves... itz a nice feeling to know dat our contributions to the missions work overseas is able to help other less fortunate ppl n at the same time... give them a chance to get to know the Lord a whole lot better.... bottomline: missions work is worth it anytime.... ^^

anyway got help frm tr chung todae to plan out me revision timetable... once again thx a lot for helping out... n i apologise for keeping him baq... he's kiddos aren't feeling too well but he still set aside some time to help me out.... many thx... ^^ anyway FINALLY got me revision timetable up but not yet running.. haha.. :P well... time to get down to serious business.... at least i know wat i wanna do each day of revision.... realli helps a lot.. hehe...

spoke with tze kern todae... had a gd chat n i guess i shld get down to finding out wat i wanna do with my life after NS pretty soon... hehe.. but i still wonder y everyone's under the impression dat i'll be joining me sis over in perth.. hmmm... *shrugz*

got baq home at abt 2pm.... slept til 6.30!! woohoo! 4 n a half hrs of napping goodness... ^^ then suddenly rmbed there's the fireworks thingie todae.. hehe... sortof rushed on down to the bay area.... onli to find numerous ppl there.. so many ppl parked on the road!! haha.. headed down to some carpark.... dunno where but somewhere nxt to clifford pier.... went high high up coz lower lvls no parking space.... but gd oso... got a better view of the fireworks... the fireworks were beautiful i muz say.... haf flower shapes.... the usual spherical shapes... etc etc... but the ones i like the most were the ones with trails.... realli looked like a meteor shower.... veri nice.. ^^ there r a few more but dunno how to describe.... but veri nice nonetheless... ^^ glad i made it for the show...

went for dinner after the thingie.... me dad waz saying in china their fireworks lasted for abt an hr.... datz crazy manz.... hearing all dat booming for 1 hr is realli.... untinkable.. haha... anyway went down to some place near golden shoe centre for dinner.... had fish dumping noodles.... waz gd.. ^^ after dat came home...

anyway xj's gg baq to US tmr.... all the best buddy.... will cya in person nxt yr but will still cya online.. haha... ^^ dun worry... one yr passes by veri quickly... ^^

well... juz thought i'll make an entry b4 i start on me revision schedule..... feel so motivated after coming up with a schedule.. hehe... hope dis will stay for the week at least.. hehe... "TOWARDS BETTER EXAM RESULTS!!" so til the nxt entry... sayonara... ^^

saturday.... no night fever tho....

2004-08-14T20:03:00.000+08:00

saturdayz... saturdayz.... nv cease to refresh the mind body n soul.... a nice break frm the monotony of sch... meeting different ppl n doing veri different thingz...

today'z been an ok day.... woke up n slacked ard in the morning like all saturday mornings.... managed to catch pokemon for once.. wahahaha.. :P pokemon looks kiddy but has a veri interesting backdrop to it.... which kiddie would even bother abt evolution in a cartoon??? stuff like the importance n the gratification frm conservation of animals come to light in dis wonderful show.... ok... maybe i'm looking to much into it but pokemon nv ceases to make my morning.. haha.. :P

managed to catch a bit of the ndp dis afternoon.... but guess wat?? itz abt one n a half hrs since the programme started n the army guyz have not marched off the field yet.... blame it on the adverts.... so the army part of the parade went on n on n *poof!*... no.. it didn't become koko crunch but 2.15pm came along.... had to head off the church for YPG meeting.... so long for the fireworks n the wateva else.... n the marquee at the bottom read "women's hockey - netherlands vs south africa 3.00pm".. great.... oh well... i guess there muz some kind of a compromise when u've got commitments....

well.... waz a little late for YPG.... bad habit.... but dis month's theme for chairing is great... i like me church motto VERI much....

"God's kind of church
where God is touching lives
and ppl care for ppl"

i especially like the last line.... in a world where ppl dun care wat the heck happens to ur pet hamster.... itz veri sad for a person if no such care ever existed.... it can be found anywhere... be it in ur parents.. or ur closest frenz... or ur colleagues... or drinking buddies(?)... well... to me it doesn't realli matter whether others practice this... but i make damn sure i do my part of the deal.... tho sometimes it hard to care abt others when u're down n out.... but therein is the challenge.... hmm... shldn't make dis into another lecture... had enuff for the week....

didn't get the YPG notes for todae.... so can onli roughly rmb wat waz said.... i guess i'm over reliant on notes... shld change.... but anyway the msg waz uplifting nonetheless... n kudos to chris.... he's done a gd job.. ^^

got me a WORKING copy of "Call of Duty" today.... me initial copy couldn't even install!! haha... came baq n tried it out.... real shhweeeet game.... graphics n story so far excellent.... a little tough tho.. hehe... anyway shldn't be playing too much for now... got prelims coming up.. haha.. :P oh well... yet another distraction to put off at home.... makes gg to the lib to study a greater necessity... haha...

had dinner with me folks again like every saturdae.... went to dis zi3 cha4 place at yishun.... had nice yum yum pork belly , watercress n some interesting basket thingie made with potato n tofu mashed together n fried to make a basket.... n had yi3 tian1 tu2 long2 ji4 playing on the tv at the same time.... it waz great.. haha...
chiobus + great story = gd dinnertime entertainment.... *cackle*

well.. didn't realli study todae.... another day wasted.... my bad.... sighz... oh well... gonna plan out me revision timetable tmr with tr chung.... hopefully it'll work.... esp with call of duty by my side... calling out for me everytime the com switch turns on.... bottomline: itz gonna be a challenging week.....

oh yeah.... happy bday to all who haf them dis weekend.... i guess i onli noe of jerm's, ced's n van's.... oh well... nonetheless happy bday to whoever it may concern.... ^^ not everyday dat i rmb ppl's bdayz n nv realli bring dis up... haha... i nv cease to amaze myself sometimes....

ok... b4 i extend the page length even further.... i guess i shall end here now... haha... fernandez will be veri proud abt dis entry... haha... :P "there's ample coverage n enuff development on each point" -quote quote- *cackle*.... ok.... so til the nxt entry.. ciao~... ^^

NEWS UPDATE~~!

2004-08-14T00:02:00.000+08:00

hey hey ppl.... juz got an update dat the bananaphone song is not complete.... here's the addie to the full song....

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/badgerphone.php

itz a flash animation.... check it out....
thx to hung wei for the info.. ^^ "it's been ard for ages" -quote hungwei-

ps: i like the gundam banana phone.. haha.. :P

Fridayzzzz..... TGIF!

2004-08-13T20:08:00.000+08:00

juz woke up frm a 4 hr nap...... such luxuries can never be gotten unless itz a FRIDAY!! woohoo~~....

i luv my fridayz.... it marks the end of a week of work n monotony.... itz a day of rest... while waiting in anticipation for the weekends to come... and it helps that friay is me early day off frm sch.... ^^

despite todae being fri the 13th.... with all the hoo harz n the blah blah blahz... i tink it went pretty well for me.. ^^ wel... tho i started the day off tired... managed to somehow wake up... haha... had fun in sch todae.... doing silly (self-torturous) things like translation of britney songz to chinese.... dunno how i brought myself to doing dat.... perhaps reliving my pastime frm the past.. haha...
i called dis self torturous because i ended up getting "hw" frm tan weijie.... *grumble mumble*

had a few requests for lyrics for or singing the silly banana song.... so dumb.. haha.. dunno how i managed to catch the lyrics while laughing hysterically during dat segemnt in SG idol.... muz haf been veri "impactful"... haha... niway to all who want the lyrics... stop bugging me!! i'll post it here!..

Banana Phone
Ring x4 banana phone....
Ding x4 banana phone....
It comes in bunches...
I've got some hunches...
It's the best! x2
Ring x4 banana phone....
Ding x4 banana phone....

oooook? r u happy now?? *coughmichellebranchcough*
acting zibi again.... -_-;;;

wow... didn't know i could write so much abt todae.. haha... fernandez will be proud for today's entry... :P anyway sorry to yh for pang seh-ing u for the usual run.... didn't know u were so committed to it... i'm impressed.. ^^ i'll make up by running with u on wed n fri k? hehe... ^^ ok larz... dunno wat else to write abt... besides my nap... which is basically juz stoning with my eyes closed while sleeping on a bed... til the nxt entry... zai4 jian4... ^^

numero uno...

2004-08-12T19:52:00.000+08:00

hehe.... hi ppl... juz tot of starting a blog...

muz be tinkin y i suddenly could be bothered to actually get a blog... well.. juz thought dat i shld get down to actually sortof "logging down" wat i've been doing with my life... coz itz easy to forget the impt lessons of yesterday when the worries n burdens or even the joy of the present n future come along.... n since i spend most of me time on the com.... itz more convenient to get a blog than a diary being the lazy person i am... *cackle*

anyway.... i guess i shld start writing abt my day... hehe...
well.. todae waz a tiring day.. dunno y i couldn't really wake up in the morning... had to slog n drag thru the day... well.. as usual.. ppl say i'm stoned... but todae i waz "more stoned then usual"!! -quote deb-.. oh well... itz one of those days... but all in all... itz a fine day... juz gotta get my butt down to doing some work later.. haha...

hmm... looks like i've written a lot.... fernandez wun be proud tho.. haha.. :P anyway i guess i'll end here.... til the nxt entry.. ciao~.. ^^